Knees

So, there's this duck. His name is Gef (Pronounced Jeff. The spelling actually comes from Gef's Welsh ancestors, who were widely known in the UK for being the finest net-makers in the land. Their nets were so legendary that kings and princes and lords bought the Wshlgrrrmanxxs family's nets for their great eel hunts. The eel hunt of 1473, better known as The Gravy Incident, is an especially fine tale that shows the elasticity and frankly astounding amount of tensile strength that the Wshlgrrrmanxxs's were capable of crafting into their nets. After this incident, all nets in the UK were required to meet the exacting standards of Mr. Wshlgrrmanxxs, who developed his net-weaving technique over decades spent braiding the hair of noble girls in many a public tavern. Mr. Wshlgrrmanxxs was known for his nets and his patented seventeen-strand Queen's Knot Braid, is the point of this aside.).

Gef is a regular looking duck. He has a white body, orange feet, and an orange beak. Except for this one little black spot on his left foot. Gef has always been self-conscious about that black spot, as he feels it makes him stand out too much from other ducks. Gef often goes out of his way to stand or sit in such a way that the tiny black birth mark is hidden from the view of other ducks.

Gef lives in a modest apartment, a handsome two bedroom with an open floor plan and hardwood floors throughout. Gef's girlfriend Blaire lives with him. She moved in about a year ago and things are getting rocky in the relationship as Gef feels she might be using him for his money. Gef's mother died five years back and left him a sizeable inheritance which he has in turn invested wisely and Gef is currently living comfortably off of the interest in his trading accounts.

So, one day, Gef goes into Best Buy and he's just kinda walking around, checking out the new release Blu-Rays. Gef is really into Bulgarian arthouse films. It's a fascinating genre whose films mostly consist of long, lingering shots of women's knees as they sit on a bus. The runtime of the most popular examples of Bulgarian arthouse cinema often top six hours. It's a challenging genre that requires true dedication and love of the cinematic arts. Gef is a bit of a cinephile, is the point, I guess.

Gef's walking around and he sees an employee with a nametag that reads: Jim. Gef walks up to Jim and awkwardly shuffles around, trying not to present the black spot on his left foot to Jim. Jim finally looks down and notices this rather ordinary looking duck with the white body and orange feet and orange beak standing there.

"Can I help you?"

Gef looks up and cocks his head to one side before answering, "Got any grapes?"

Jim looks confused for a few moments, begins to answer one thing, stops, and finally goes with the simplest answer he can think of, "Uh, dude, this is a Best Buy, we don't have grapes. Sorry?"

Gef just nods his head, as ducks do, and says, "Cool cool. Thanks, anyway." and turns around to go look for Der Schulringerzingers's Knees IV : Glorpinschotpper's Revenge. He already had a copy of the award-winning film on DVD, but what he really wanted was a Blu-Ray copy with the 8 minutes of additional footage added by the director. Gef had already checked Amazon, and it was sold out everywhere, so he figured Best Buy would be the most logical next place to find a very well-known Bulgarian arthouse film.

After not finding his film, Gef decided to head home. Blaire was mad because she didn't believe Gef that the store was out of grapes. Gef just wanted to drink a pale ale and read his great-grandfather's memoir a little bit before heading to bed. Gef's favorite pale ale is this really smooth micro-brew called Schlammin Salmon. Schlammin Salmon is brewed and bottled in Kiev, Wisconsin by a group of Quakers that rejected traditional Quaker life as being "too wild". Great group of guys.

So a couple of days later, Gef's back at Best Buy, hoping to find Der Schulringerzingers's Knees IV : Glorpinschotpper's Revenge, even if it's just a regular Blu-Ray without the extra 8 minutes of footage added by the director.

Gef sees Jim and heads that way. Jim looks down as Gef shuffles around, hiding the tiny black spot on his otherwise gloriously flawless orange foot.

"Hey, you're that duck from the other day, right?"

"Yeah, man. Thanks for remembering me."

"Anything I can help you with?"

Gef shuffles his (mostly) orange feet, "Got any grapes?"

Jim was a little annoyed at this weird duck with the flawless orange feet that kept coming into HIS place of employment and harassing him about grapes. Jim had been deathly afraid of grapes since he was four years old and what his mom calls "The Fruit That Shall Not Be Named Incident of 1984". The Incident began a 27-year long crusade by Jim to avoid being around the fearsome fruit. So he was more than a little annoyed as he answered, "Listen, man, I already told you we don't have grapes here. I'm getting a little tired of you coming in here and harassing me. If you come back here one more time asking about grapes, I'm gonna staple your beak shut!"

Gef shuffled back a few steps, making sure to keep the black spot out of sight, "Alright, alright, no problem, man. You don't have grapes, I get it." Gef shakes his head in that way ducks do and walks out of Best Buy, grapeless.

Gef got home and Blaire yelled at him some more about the grapes. Gef put on a film and fell asleep to the shockingly bold camera angles and masterful lighting techniques of famed Bulgarian auteur Terrniglobingham. Terrniglobingham's films were often described by even fans of the genre as "challenging", with their well over 8 hour runtimes and unmoving shots of decaying dogs on hot freshly poured blacktop.

So a few days go by and Gef finds himself back in Best Buy. He sees Jim and waddles over, shuffling about as he stops to hide his left foot behind his right. Jim looks down and sees the perfectly ordinary duck with the flawless orange feet and he's kinda happy to see Gef, since Jim has been having problems with his aging mother who is in the early stages of dementia and isn't able to properly care for herself any more. Jim looks down at this gorgeous little duck with the flawless orange webbed feet and he smiles just a little, like people do, and Jim says, "Hey man, good to see you again. What can I help you with?"

Gef glances down quickly to make sure his tiny black birthmark is hidden from Jim's view, then looks up to meet Jim's grey-eyed gaze. The grey eyes were a fascinating genetic leftover sort-of-hand-me-down type situation. See, Jim's great-grandfather, Colonel Richard Tipp, of the North Carolina Tipps (NOT the South Carolina Tipps, which were mountain men of some fearsome regard. The South Carolina Tipps were known to set bear traps along popular trade routes, picking through their crop of entrapped travelers to find the most likely wives), was of Transylvanian descent; Transylvanians, of course, are known for having the extremely rare DDNC420 gene that when expressed gives the clear grey eye color that I've been trying to describe to you for a while now.

Gef says, "Got any staples?"

Jim is relieved the question wasn't about the Fruit That Shall Not Be Named, "I think we might by the printers and stuff. Stay right here, I'll go take a look."

Jim heads off to find the staples and Gef contents himself with looking at a DVD copy of Herr Blumingsclongers ode to dislocated kneecaps Scpliegeneneneneflaurburg's Flowers, which was shot in 1972 by a half-blind Dutchman who had immigrated to Bulgaria during the second world war to escape persecution in his home country by a group of rival filmmakers who had decided that knees were not an aesthetically pleasing enough body part for study on film, instead demanding that shins become the new genre standard.

Jim comes back in a couple of minutes and stops in front of Gef, who shuffles around a bit to hide the tiny black mark on his otherwise flawless orange webbed foot.

"Sorry, man, we are completely out of staples."

Gef nods in that way that ducks do and cocks his head to one side, "Got any grapes?" #lamejoke