Tuesday, June 30, 2015

How does Batman's mother call him home for supper?

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner, Batman!

Monday, June 29, 2015

This man went to his mechanic and complained that his car was always full of air bubbles and smelled like fish.

The mechanic crawled in and pulled out a guy wearing a wetsuit and a scuba mask.

"I think I've found your problem," said the mechanic. "You have a backseat diver."

Friday, June 26, 2015

What do you do with a green elephant?

Leave it on the tree to ripen.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

These two ducks are swimming in a pond.

The first one looks at the other and says, "Quack, quark!"

The second duck says, "That's amazing! I was just about to say that!"

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

What did the astronomer do when the telescope failed? 

He looked into it.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Saturday, June 20, 2015

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. 

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. 

A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face."Holy cow! What's that smell?" 

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" 

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

Friday, June 19, 2015

What animal can jump higher than a house? 

Any animal — a house can't jump.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Why did the lobster cross the road?

To get to the other tide.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Monday, June 15, 2015

Why don't crabs ever give to charity? 

Because they're shellfish.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Friday, June 12, 2015

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she changes it into a toad.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

I just discovered I have superpowers. 

I can actually melt ice cubes by staring at them. 

It takes me quite a long time though.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

What did the magician do when he got stressed?

He pulled out his hare.

Monday, June 8, 2015

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, "Hey." 

The horse says, "Sure."

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Saturday, June 6, 2015

What do you do when there's a sink standing outside your door?

You let that sink in.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Knock, knock.

Who's there.

I eat mop.

I eat mop who?


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Sue was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 

"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. 

One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question session. 

He was asked, "Property holder?" 

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor." 

Then he was asked, "Married or single?" 

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." 

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" 

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Monday, June 1, 2015

Walter and Fred soon completed the enlarging ray and Dr. Stein was returned to normal. However, the two hookers filed a complaint with the police about their attempted abduction and the pair of scientists were arrested. Fred managed to get off with a technicality but Stein was convicted and sentenced to seven years in prison. During the trial the two of them began working furiously to complete a new invention. Dr. Stein was incarcerated as scheduled, but what the prison warden didn't know was the radio that he was allowed to bring in with him was actually a portable time machine! Once in his cell, Stein set the dial for seven years into the future and vanished. To him, mere moments passed until he found himself back in his cell, but to the rest of the world seven years had passed! The guards found him in his original cell (which was also housing another prisoner) and he was brought to the warden. Stein explained what he had done and that he was ready to be released since his time was up. The warden argued that since he had not been in the prison for seven years he still had time left to serve. 

Soon the matter went to court. Stein's lawyer pointed out that the wording of the sentence was that his client would be "removed from society" for the period of time of the sentence. The state's attorney argued that the point of prison was to give the felon time to mull over his poor decisions and be reformed. The judge listened to both sides and returned a decision: Stein had fulfilled the terms of his conviction since there was never any language that said he had to stay in prison, only to be sequestered away from society, which he was. Stein was overjoyed, and the next day the headlines read, "A Niche in Time Saves Stein."