Saturday, February 28, 2015

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?" 

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question." 

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. 
  "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"

Friday, February 27, 2015

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." 

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

Thursday, February 26, 2015

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway." 

"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." 

"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?" 

"Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? 

Because she mislaid them.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Why is Peter Pan always flying? 

He neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

Friday, February 20, 2015

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." 

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. 

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." 

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." 

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! 

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." 

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
Mabel had had a pretty hectic day with her four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, she laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your pj's, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

The child's arms went around her neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after Mabel had been such a grouch, she thought, "She's still grateful to have me." 

She felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes, and then the four-year-old whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mommie?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

How to tell the sex of an Ant?

Place the Ant in glass of water.

If it sinks: Girl Ant.

If it floats…..

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The high-school English teacher was well known for being a hard but fair grader. 

One day, Joey received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering his grade and in the spirit of the Valentine season, he sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription, "Be Mine." 

The following day, he received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still Be Mine-Us."

Monday, February 16, 2015

The young grandson called his grandpa to wish him a happy birthday. 

He asked his grandpa how old he was and was told, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

Sunday, February 15, 2015

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. 

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?" 

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

Saturday, February 14, 2015

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. 

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. 

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" 

"Yes!" shouts the woman. "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

Friday, February 13, 2015

The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the eye of the great detective.

At last they came to the darkened kitchen. Not a sound was heard except a horse and carriage moving past the window at the far end of the room. Light from a gas lamp outside that window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an overturned box of cornstarch. 

"Aha, Watson," said Holmes, "the plot thickens."

Thursday, February 12, 2015

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." 

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?

An horse.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing a taxi!

Monday, February 9, 2015

The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. 

The doctor cries, "Oh my God, how did that happen?"

The frog answered, "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my butt."

Sunday, February 8, 2015

NASA has launched a small group of cows into orbit to study the effect of gravity on milk production.

Newscasts have confirmed that this will be the first herd shot around the world.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. 

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. 

The usher became more impatient. 

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned. 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. 

Finally they summoned the police. 

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" 

"Fred," the old man moaned. 

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

Friday, February 6, 2015

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

“Now do you understand?” he asked.

“I think so,” she said, “is that when mommy came to work for us?”

Thursday, February 5, 2015

"I just got an expensive, state-of-the-art hearing aid," said Bart.

"Congratulations!" Marty exclaimed. "What kind is it?"

"About a quarter to three."

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

What should you do if your boat is sick?

Take it to the doc.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

What do you call George Washington's false teeth?


Sunday, February 1, 2015

A student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.

He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says and pulls the cork out again.

"... On the road again .. . "

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the student asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music!"