Monday, February 28, 2011

One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.

She read, "... and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'"

The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Once upon a time, Joe was working in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up.

One day while he was at the coal face, he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were?

Seems it was only a miner miracle.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Friday, February 25, 2011

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for “Si,” and twice for “No.”

After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He, thereby, became the first "Si" and "Aye" dog.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What did the cabbage preacher say to his congregation?

"Lettuce pray."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He asked the laughing missionary, "What is wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Monday, February 21, 2011

A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car.

He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot's room and says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first, doc."

The doctor says, "The good news is you're gonna live."

"And the bad news?" asks the carrot.

"The bad news is you're gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Cows say.

Cows say who?

No, silly, cows say moo!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Friday, February 18, 2011

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch"

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one." Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought. ... "I Just Love Baskin Robins."

Thursday, February 17, 2011

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to curse?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons so much so that every member of the community came to every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday; but he didn't want to miss the minister's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

The other congregates saw what was going on, and they decided to hire their own stand-in guys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins in the congregation sitting in church taping the minister.

The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday, he, too, hired a stand in who brought a tape recorder to play the minister's pre-recorded sermon to the 500 stand-ins in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.

Witnesses said that this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Monday, February 14, 2011

A huge college freshman decided he'd try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For $100, would you chop off another toe?"

Saturday, February 12, 2011

What did one plate say to the other plate?

"Lunch is on me."

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A senior citizen named Herbert was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Herb, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the expressway. Please be careful!"

"Heck," replied Herbert, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A man went into a tavern after work and ordered a beer.

The bartender placed his beer on the bar alongside a bowl of nuts.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, "You have nice hair."

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, "You are very good looking." The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The bartender replied, "It's the nuts - they're complimentary."

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A guy goes to a proctologist and says "Doc, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable down below. Would you take a look?"

He does. "Incredible!" He exclaims. "There's a $20 bill lodged there." He eases it out with some forceps, and immediately a $10 bill appears. "This is amazing", he says. "What do you want me to do?"

"Yeah, well take it out, please, doc, would you?"

He does, and bills continue to appear one after the other, all of which he removes. Finally there are no more.

"Ah, thanks, doc, I'm feeling much more comfortable now. Out of curiosity, just how much was there all together?"

The doctor counts the pile of cash and says, "Exactly $1990."

"Ah," replies the guy. "That explains it. I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

How is grape juice like a chicken?

They're both purple except for the chicken.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind.'"

"And how is it?"

"Nothing much. The book was better."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

She looked over and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in.

Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down and told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to everyone.

The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat.

Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled and farted around and now you've missed your flight to Chicago.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011

What did the finger say to the thumb?

"I'm in glove with you."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita, a most possessive girl. She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye, but it didn’t surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb.

She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter. By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the village joke, but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.

Everywhere she went, eager, inquiring maidens would ask her for the secret of her success, and her wise answer can be condensed to seven words:

You always herd the Juan you love.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why can't your nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.