A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man
walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel looks at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of
whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a
picture of the wife.
The guy says, "Sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm
sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I
ain't got no crayons."
"Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They
don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
Down in the South, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church
to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must
take up its bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk,
Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going
to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!"
The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really
wants to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!" "Let
it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"
the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and
began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels,
bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited
several of his coworkers to share the ride.
He soon found, however,
that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips
through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the
traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all
week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other
guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like
I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as
they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her
husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors
gave him the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen
better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the
seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
A guy went to a very exclusive restaurant dressed in a clown suit. The
whole regalia. Big floppy shoes, a red ball on his nose, Bozo-type hair,
the whole schtick.
The Maitre D' said, "I'm sorry, sir, I can't let you in dressed like
that. Our dress code is very strict. Gentlemen must wear a jacket and a
The guy said, "Please, sir, let me explain. I am a prominent business
man in town here. My name is Rich Bigbucks. I am the Chief Executive
Officer of Greed, Inc. I am dressed like this because I was one of the
volunteers that went to the Children's Hospital today to help cheer up
the sick and injured children. We do this every month or so."
The Maitre D' said, "Well, sir, it is highly irregular. But having
listened to the circumstances, I will let you in. But a warning! Don't
try anything funny!"