Saturday, May 31, 2014

Friday, May 30, 2014

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? 

Dumb Beau.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?

"Don't worry about him; he is just a product of our times."

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Monday, May 26, 2014

"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator. 

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?" 

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Saturday, May 24, 2014

What do you call a cow who gives no milk? 

A milk dud (or an udder failure).

Friday, May 23, 2014

A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. 

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. 

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. 

The driver is a squirrel. 

The squirrel looks at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

Thursday, May 22, 2014

There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. 

One particular bar in the neighborhood has a very well groomed resident cat who is quite friendly. 

In fact the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while. 

He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes?

You can't venom all.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Monday, May 19, 2014

What kind of shoes can you make from banana peels?

Slippers!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

What did the red wire say when the white wire asked it to come out and play?

"I can't, I'm grounded."

Saturday, May 17, 2014

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.

The guy says, "Sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

Friday, May 16, 2014

What did Pinocchio say to his barber?

"Just take a whittle off the top."

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Why couldn't the sailors play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

When they moved across the country, Harvey and his wife decided to drive both of their cars. Nathan, their eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?" 

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," Harvey reassured him. 

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," Harvey quipped. 

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

Monday, May 12, 2014

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. 

Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I ain't got no crayons."  

"Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
 
"Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. 

"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "The boy's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." 

"Nah... not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ole boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!" 

Sure enough, Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Down in the South, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies. 

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up its bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"
 
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
 
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
 
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Friday, May 9, 2014

Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.

"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind, he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."

Thursday, May 8, 2014

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. 

He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. 

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." 

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. 


"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" 


"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." 


"Tell me! What is it?" 


"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.

Monday, May 5, 2014

A husband and wife, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum.

"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions." 

"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired the husband. 

"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. 

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." 

"How long could that have taken you?" 

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. 

The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. 

"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." 

"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean." 

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. 

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

Friday, May 2, 2014

A guy went to a very exclusive restaurant dressed in a clown suit. The whole regalia. Big floppy shoes, a red ball on his nose, Bozo-type hair, the whole schtick. 

The Maitre D' said, "I'm sorry, sir, I can't let you in dressed like that. Our dress code is very strict. Gentlemen must wear a jacket and a tie." 

The guy said, "Please, sir, let me explain. I am a prominent business man in town here. My name is Rich Bigbucks. I am the Chief Executive Officer of Greed, Inc. I am dressed like this because I was one of the volunteers that went to the Children's Hospital today to help cheer up the sick and injured children. We do this every month or so." 

The Maitre D' said, "Well, sir, it is highly irregular. But having listened to the circumstances, I will let you in. But a warning! Don't try anything funny!"

Thursday, May 1, 2014

There was a wealthy business man who thought so much of himself that, in light of the recent news about the sheep cloning, decided to have himself cloned. 

Unfortunately, the clone did not have this man's personality and was, in fact, incredibly vulgar. 

Not being able to tell them apart, people began to react terribly to the original man because the clone was so awful. 

Finally, the man couldn't stand it anymore. He took the clone and pushed him off a cliff but there were witnesses and he was immediately arrested for "making an obscene clone fall."