Wednesday, April 30, 2014

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies." 

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name." 

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

When Molly went with her stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, their student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. The guide told them that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended that Molly's stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school." 

After the tour, Molly asked the guide, "So, why did you choose this school?" 

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

Monday, April 28, 2014

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. 

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. 

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." 

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Sunday, April 27, 2014

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?" 

A little boy answered: "My Mommy says my prayers." 

"I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mother say?" 

Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

Saturday, April 26, 2014

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" 

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. 

"That's it! I can never remember that word."

Friday, April 25, 2014

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum." 

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He took it and said, 'Thanks.'"

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. 

The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. 

The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

On duty, the customer-service rep for a car-rental company took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. The rep asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." 

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

Monday, April 21, 2014

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him." 

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. 

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. 

"I don't have to," the little boy replied. 

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." 

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. 

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." 

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." 

"What is that?" Lisa asked. 

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

Friday, April 18, 2014

In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. 

Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer: 

"My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

Thursday, April 17, 2014

"Didn't you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?" asked the policeman. 

"No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt," replied the woman.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

It was the 100th anniversary of the church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, the minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" 

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. 

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. 

"How did he break it, Emily?" 

"I hit him over the head with it."

Monday, April 14, 2014

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. 

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" 

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Two guys are driving along an outback road and then they drive into this small country town, driving past the local town hall they notice that there is a B&S (bachelor and spinster) ball on. 

Deciding that they'd like to go in and try their luck with the local ladies they parked their car a few blocks away and then had a look to see what they had in the way of formal clothes in their bags. They both manage to find a pair of half decent black pants, black shoes and a white shirt. 

There was a problem though as only one of the guys had brought a bow tie, all be it a little beaten up it would still do. Not really having any other options they decided to try and get past the bouncers with one of the guys missing a bow tie. 

They went up to the door and immediately the bouncer stopped them and said "No mate you can't go in... you need a bow tie," and then told them to get lost. 

They then went back to the car and tried to find something that they could use a as a bow tie. After much looking they tried using a jumper lead for the car, wrapping it around the guy's neck and making a bow out of it. 

They then proceeded back to the hall and approached the same bouncer, this time he said "Ohh, I don't know if can let you in dressed like that," to which the guy wearing the jumper lead as a bow tie said "Come on, I am only in town for the night and we are just looking for a good time," and then the bouncer said "OK...I'll let you in....just don't START anything."

Saturday, April 12, 2014

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. 

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. 

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Friday, April 11, 2014

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" 

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

  Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." 

  There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Thursday, April 10, 2014

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her. 

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." 

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. 

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed. 

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." 

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk. 

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. 

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Monday, April 7, 2014

The traffic officer stopped the woman. "Here's my driver's license and picture," she said.
"You know something," replied the policeman. "This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face." 

"Sir," she replied, "you are looking at my thumb print."

Sunday, April 6, 2014

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

  She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

  Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

Saturday, April 5, 2014

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. 

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. 

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

Friday, April 4, 2014

Last summer, Tony and his wife met a couple, who were friends of his wife, at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping and Tony invited the man to go sailing. While they were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and they were down wind trying to work their way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and they had to climb overboard and shove with all their might to get it back in deep water. 

As Tony's new friend, Mike, stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at Tony, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."

Thursday, April 3, 2014

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" 

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The balding middle-aged man asked his barber, "Why do I have to pay full price for a haircut -- there's so little of it." 

"Well," said the barber, "actually I only charge a little for cutting it. What you're paying for mostly is my time searching for it."

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?" 

"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"