Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Two mosquitoes sat on Robinson Crusoe's back.

One said to the other, "I have to go now. But let's meet again on Friday!"

Monday, September 28, 2015

What is it called when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Anteater walks into a bar. Bartender says "What can I get ya, fella? You look like a whiskey guy." 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Hmmm. Well how about tequila?" 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Well, then can I get you a beer?" 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Why the long nose?"

Saturday, September 26, 2015

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant...

Friday, September 25, 2015

What do you call a man who graduates last in medical school?


Thursday, September 24, 2015

How can you get four suits for a dollar?  

Buy a deck of cards.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

A man burned his finger so he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove all his clothes, and wait in the next room. 

“It’s just my finger,” complained the man. “Why do I need to take off my clothes?” 

“Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress,” explained the nurse. “It’s our policy.” 

“Well, I think it’s a stupid policy!” 

From the next room, another man’s voice piped in, “That’s nothing! I just came to fix the furnace.”

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Monday, September 21, 2015

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Harry: "Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little shit in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

Sunday, September 20, 2015

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. 
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. 

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." 

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" 

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Friday, September 18, 2015

Which king felt that he was a fraction of his former self?

Henry the Eighth.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply. 

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" 

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. 

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. 

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.  

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. 

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. 

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE. 

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" 

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

Monday, September 14, 2015

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." 

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. 

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. 

"Exactly," replied the instructor. 

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"

Sunday, September 13, 2015

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

Saturday, September 12, 2015

What is a cat's favorite book? 

The Prince and the Paw-purr.

Friday, September 11, 2015

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? 
A candy baa.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?

The Codfather.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?


Monday, September 7, 2015

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? 

It’s two gross.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

What do pandas have that no other animal has?
Baby pandas!

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Joey swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. 

Doctors said the problem will work itself out, just not in so many words.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Carlos was making one of his frequent visits to the Convent San Tanco in his town of San Juan. He was raised by the sisters there when left an orphan and he still enjoyed the company of the sisters, and it renewed his faith a bit to watch them in their devotions. Today he was giving Captain Gaspar Fomento, the local constable, a ride to the convent when he mentioned he needed to talk to the Mother Superior.

Carlos parked outside the convent and struck up a conversation with Sister Ana who was working in the garden while Captain Fomento went into the convent. While chatting with the novice he glanced up and saw a startling sight.

"What in the world is that, sister?" he asked, pointing skyward. Sister Ana looked up and saw what looked like a large white gull flying in the sky.

"Oh, it is only a bird," she replied.

"No, no! It is a person! Look closer!" Carlos demanded emphatically. Sister Ana looked again and gasped. It's Sister Bertrille! The tiny nun has once again had her cornette caught by the strong winds of San Tanco and has taken to the air, soaring on the updrafts. Sister Ana thought a moment and decided to tell Carlos the truth.

"Carlos, it is Sister Bertrille. She is something of a flying nun, you may say. She is so light that when the winds are strong enough she is lifted into the air for a time."

"But she is so high up! Won't she fall to her death?!" he exclaimed.

"I do not think so. She has gotten quite good at flying in her time here. Plus, God watches out for ones like her."

"Ah, that explains how she managed to get to the balcony at my casino that day when no one saw her come in!" he smiled. It was amazing, watching her swoop and soar through the air, one hand on her head holding her "wings" in place.

Carlos continued to marvel at the flying figure far above him. Soon Captain Fomento left the convent and returned to the car. Carlos was still craning his neck at the now tiny speck high in the sky, and so the captain looked up, too.

"What are you looking at, Ramirez?" he asked, squinting against the bright sun.

Carlos liked the small sister and was afraid of what the overly officious Fomento might do if he found out she was zooming through the air around the town. Fomento would probably jail her for flying without a license.

"Oh, nothing much," Carlos replied. "It's just a nun-identified flying object."