Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Monday, January 30, 2017

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying a geometry textbook. 

He raises his glass and says...

"Here's looking at Euclid."

Saturday, January 28, 2017

If The Rock runs for president in 2020, what's the only thing that can defeat him?


Friday, January 27, 2017

The fence around our yard that's full of holes is a fence sieve. 

I strained to make this joke up as I was cooking dinner last night. 

And, as you can see, the punchline is pretty weak and doesn't hold water.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The five year old was asked at school what he wanted to be when he grew up.

His response? A hexagon.

All I have to say is that he'd better get into shape.

Monday, January 23, 2017

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats.

He paid $1,700 for each ticket.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can't go.

If you are interested and would like to go in his place:

It's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00pm.

Her name is Nancy.

She's great looking, 5'4", about 115 lbs.

Good cook.

Makes $90,000 a year!

She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Why are mermaids are always so pretty? 

Cosmetic sturgeons.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Friday, January 20, 2017

Joey suddenly realized that his wife had fallen off her horse.

(Which was quite a relief to him, as just an hour earlier he thought he'd gone deaf.)

Thursday, January 19, 2017

What did Spock find in the USS Enterprise toilet?

Captain's log.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Joey broke his arm just above the elbow. 

When he went in to have it fixed, they said they would have to put him under. 

He woke up with the doctor looking at him with a very concerned and somewhat guilty look on his face. 

"It seems I have operated on the wrong part," he said. 

Joey looked down and his knee was all bandaged up. 

All he could mutter was, "This is not humerus."

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul, the banker, says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.

So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money."

Saturday, January 14, 2017

When, roughly, does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?


Friday, January 13, 2017

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Why did the blacksmith reject his newly forged sword? 

It smelt funny.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

My wife was telling me about this woman who had her dog's ashes turned into glass and then made into a ring. 

At that point I asked my wife if, when I die, she could turn me into a window, so even after I die, I can be a pane.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Sunday, January 8, 2017

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? 


Saturday, January 7, 2017

I had to defrost my car this morning. 

Unfortunately I didn't have an ice scraper so I had to use a card from my wallet. 

Pulled out my Walmart card and started scraping. 

Didn't do a very good job, only got 20% off.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Why would an hour glass only take half an hour to finish? 

It was filled with quick sand.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

What do you call an artist who strangles people? 

An artichoke.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Monday, January 2, 2017

Sunday, January 1, 2017