Sunday, June 30, 2013

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Why do birds hold one of their legs up when they're sleeping?

Because if they hold both of their legs up, they'll fall.

Friday, June 28, 2013

I was watching the national hairstylist championships on cable last night.

Apparently they ran out of time for the live coverage.

But it's no big deal, I can watch the highlights later. 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. 

No sooner had Dracula turned than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"

To which the dark stranger announced....I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer."

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

What children's story does a man vocally expressing his relief while urinating remind one of?

The Whizzer of Aaahs.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

What do zombies do? 

Zombies make honey; others just buzz and sting.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

A young couple invited their elderly pastor over for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard dad say to mom, 'Today is just as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

Saturday, June 22, 2013

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. 

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." 

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Friday, June 21, 2013

What do bees do if they don't want to drive?

Wait at the buzz stop.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man. 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I’m sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were you voted."

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What did Godzilla say after he ate a four-cylinder automobile? 

"Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"

Monday, June 17, 2013

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” 

“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.” 

 “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” 

“Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”

“And he won!” Peter sighed.

“No. He came in seventh.”

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Colonel Sanders estate is donating money for a hospital to be built in his home town. 

It won't have a main building. 

It will consist entirely of wings.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Friday, June 14, 2013

“I’d like some really tight jeans.”

“Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?”

“If they’re as tight as yours, I’ll probably have to.”

Thursday, June 13, 2013

This grasshopper walks into a bar. 

The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" 

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

All the merry men and Maid Marion gathered around Robin Hood's deathbed, waiting for the inevitable end. 

Manfully, heroically, Robin struggled up and said "Friar Tuck, bring me my long bow. I will fire an arrow out the window and wherever it lands, that is where you will bury me." 

Deeply moved, they placed a long bow in his trembling fingers, propped him up and faced him towards Sherwood Forest. 

And with an immense effort, Robin aimed and fired. 

And so it came to pass that they buried him on top of the outhouse.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

"Am I a fish or an egg?" asks the salmon's progeny. 

Answers its mother, "Roe, roe, roe, you're both."

Monday, June 10, 2013

This farmer picks up a hitch hiker. 

The guy is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "What's in the bag?" 

The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife." 

The hitch hiker thinks for a second and says, "Mmm, good trade."

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Why do dogs make such poor gamblers?

When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tails.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him, Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and pours two drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and it quickly goes limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with two frogs in its mouth.

Friday, June 7, 2013

What is the primary ingredient in bagels and doughnuts?

Hole wheat flour.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Michelle received a voice mail message yesterday from her doctor letting her know the results from a test she had last week. 

He said "I'm afraid to tell you, Michelle, but you have contracted a rare Canarial disorder. It's known as "Chirpies" and is untweetable!"

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. 

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” 

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” 

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. 

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

Monday, June 3, 2013

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

Sunday, June 2, 2013

What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. 

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"