Monday, December 31, 2012

Once, a neighbor commented on how poorly my children looked, their faces brown and shriveled, wrinkled and dehydrated. 

I said I was raisin my kids.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'What's Up, Pussycat'." 

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 

"Is it common?" 

"It's not unusual."

Saturday, December 29, 2012

There was once a veterinarian who loved to hack gene sequences. One day he successfully grafted pieces of cantaloup DNA to the DNA of a dog zygote. The engineered zygote soon developed into a little puppy. The result was far less dramatic than one might expect. The animal was recognizably canine, if tiny and roly poly. Its fur had an overall orange tint. The vet raised the puppy to adulthood and all was generally fine, though the animal was rather small and rotund.

The veterinarian noticed that his dog was becoming lethargic and increasingly morose. Being concerned with the animal’s overall health and mental well-being, the vet tried many things to cure his dog’s apparent depression. After all, he felt guilty that its growing languishment could be the direct result of his genetic experimentation. He tried altering the animal’s diet, its exercise, and its play, but nothing seemed to help. Finally he took the dog to an animal psychiatrist.

The vet sat in the waiting room while the orange tinted dog was in with the animal counselor. Finally the door opened, and the veterinarian rose to his feet. The psychiatrist came out with the dog.

“Tell me, Doctor. What’s wrong? Is my dog going to be okay?”

“Don’t worry, Doctor. He’ll be fine. He’s just a little melon collie.”

Friday, December 28, 2012

"There is no free will," said the old sage, "for you may not choose your parents nor the hour of your birth, neither may you select the time and manner of your death, nor may you have any voice in what passes in between, although if you can afford a good plastic surgeon, you might be able to pick your own nose."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? 

A Saddle Light Dish.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louaville." 

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. 

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." 

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."  To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Monday, December 24, 2012

A retired jazz musician was staring at his instrument up on the shelf, fearing it was getting rusty. 

"My horn needs a good blow" he mused.

"Sax! Is that all you can ever think of?" cried his wife.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

What keeps a dock floating above water? 

Pier pressure.
What should you give to the person who has everything? 

Penicillin.

Friday, December 21, 2012

What was Good King Wenceslas’s favorite pizza? 

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? 

Because turtles have such tiny ears.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

How can you tell when a man is well hung? 

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Why don't mummies take vacations? 

They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Monday, December 17, 2012

My dermatologist is very successful; however, he had to build his practice from scratch. 

Unlike other dermatologists who promise an immediate cure, he does not make rash promises.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. 

An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. 

"My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

Friday, December 14, 2012

A housewife purchased a sausage from her local butcher. 

When she returned, she expressed her dismay that only one end of the sausage had sausage in it. 

The butcher responded, " In these tough times, it's difficult to make both ends meat."

Thursday, December 13, 2012

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? 

Half way.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My parents gave me a baby duck for my birthday. 

Do you know what happens to a baby duck before it grows up? 

It grows down.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

In the neurobiology lecture, the professor mentioned that much of the data was culled from studies of leeches. 

He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached to the researchers."

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. 

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." 

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" 

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Saturday, December 8, 2012

And then there was the one about the piece of fruit on trial....

It was judged by a jury of his pears.

Friday, December 7, 2012

"Life is a gamble," Mother Cabbage told her offspring, Brussels Sprout. "You have to weather storms and drought. You have to fend off animals, bugs, mold, and rot. But if you hang in there, you'll grow."

"I'll try," said the little Sprout. "But how long does this take. When should I stop growing?" 

"As with any other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head."

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 

The reason? 

What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

There were these two eggs talking in a monastery. 

"I really don't like it here," says one. 

"Why not?" 

"Well, you know, it's always out of the frying pan and into the friar."

Monday, December 3, 2012

And then there was the one about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards....

He was just going through a stage.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

A wife invited some people to dinner. 

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Saturday, December 1, 2012

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex. 

A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight."

Friday, November 30, 2012

What is a computer's first sign of old age? 

Loss of memory.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Tonya Harding donned her ice skates and competed again this week after many years away from the sport. 

Asked why she is returning to competition after such a long layoff, Tonya said she just felt like taking another whack at it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The former nun celebrated her new-found "freedom" by burning a large "funeral pyre" into which she threw all the trappings of her life in the abbey - clothes, rosaries, crucifixes, the lot. 

After the fire had gone out and she began cleaning up the ashes, she was amazed to discover that, despite the prolonged heat of the flames, her clothing was still intact. 

Determined to eradicate the last vestiges of her vestments, she ran over them with a lawn mower -- to no effect. Then she fed them to a paper shredder, only to have the shredder jam. Finally she managed to dissolve them in a vat of acid. 

Why had she encountered so much difficulty? 

Old habits die hard.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I walked off the job at the helium factory last week.

Why? 

I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.


Monday, November 26, 2012

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. 

“It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Saturday, November 24, 2012

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel. 

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?" 

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

Friday, November 23, 2012


Why do dogs turn around several times before sleeping? 

Because one good turn deserves another.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Buddhist monk told the hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything." 

He then gave the vendor a $20 bill.

He waited, then said, "Where's my change?"

The vendor smiled and said, "Change comes from within."

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Two friends meet each other on the street.

“Hey! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.

“I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.

“I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face all scratched up?”

“She put up a heck of a fight!”

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Monday, November 19, 2012

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I… I didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” replied his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

Sunday, November 18, 2012

What did Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit? 

A lemon tree, my dear Watson.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

Friday, November 16, 2012

The police are called to Harvey’s house in a posh suburb – the neighbors have heard some screaming.

When the police arrive, they find Harvey’s wife Sadie standing over Harvey’s lifeless body holding a 6-iron in her hand. The club is still dripping with blood.

A police officer asks Sadie, “Is that your husband, ma'am?”

“Yes it is,” replies Sadie.

“And did you hit him with that golf club you’re holding, ma'am?”

“Certainly,” replies Sadie. She then drops the golf club, puts her hands over her face and begins to cry. “We only just got back from playing at a golf tournament,” she sobs.

“How many times did you hit your husband, madam?” asks the officer.

“I don't know,” replies Sadie. “Six, seven, maybe even eight times – but just put me down for a six.”

Thursday, November 15, 2012

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year-olds. 

After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill?”

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife, Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother, Scott, along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

Monday, November 12, 2012

Did you hear the one about the professor that got in a horrible wreck?

He was grading papers on a curve.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What do you call a deer that can kick a ball with his left and right feet? 

Bambidextrious.

Friday, November 9, 2012

What is Irish and stays on your porch, even when it rains?

Patty O'Furniture.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?

She went out with the tide.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. 

It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Monday, November 5, 2012

I was talking to a female snake the other day. 

She was telling me all about her recent operation. 

Well, of course snakes don't speak English, but I knew what she was saying because she made a hiss direct to me.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

In the old days on the plains, cow patties were in great demand, since they made great fuel for the cold winter evenings. Tribes bartered and traded this form of manure. 

One day some new faces showed up and identified themselves as the Grood. The Grood must have been from the East coast, because they were not hip to the ways of the plains, as the locals found out one day. 

A couple of women were gathering fuel when one of the new guys showed up, placed some coins on the ground, gathered up a sackful of manure, loaded it on his horse and rode away. 

“That must be one of the new guys,” said one of the women. 

“How do you know?” asked the other.

“Easy, she replied,”Everyone knows that only the Grood buy dung.”

Friday, November 2, 2012

Thursday, November 1, 2012

What do you get when you cross a toad with mist?

Kermit the Fog.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A guy says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."

The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

The guy says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

Monday, October 29, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

A counter spy

Saturday, October 27, 2012

How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?

With a warlock.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Why does Moby Dick spell his name 'Mby'? 

Because he is a creature of the O shun.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

He wanted to see how long he slept.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after the earthquake?

It's not my fault.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a bad summer.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. 

He was sporting a huge black eye. 

When asked if he had run into a door, he replied that the beauty of the place had struck him.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil. 

He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back. 

So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude, even though I know that.someday there'll be Hell toupee.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee performance. 

At 1:55, the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. 

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 

"What about you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer. 

She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!"

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What's the difference between a lawyer and God? 

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Monday, October 15, 2012

"I'd like two pork chops," said the patron to her butcher, "and make them lean." 

"Yes ma'am," said the obliging butcher, standing them on end. "Which way?"

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. 

The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat. 

"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A famous poet of years gone by was suffering with a cold. He was particularly bothered by a runny nose. 

He went to the doctor, explained his problem to the nurse, and then waited while she went to talk to the doc. 

She told the doctor, "You have to do something about Poe’s nasal drip.”

Friday, October 12, 2012

Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?

Because of all the tellers.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

What old play is about advertising by sheep farmers?

Much Ado About Mutton.

Monday, October 8, 2012

How many ears does Mr. Spock have? 

Three; a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they re-search everything.

Friday, October 5, 2012

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? 

A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

How many 'real men' does it take to change a light bulb?

None. 'Real men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

First Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a new hat.

Second Woman: Oh, so that's where you get them.

Monday, October 1, 2012

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Saturday, September 29, 2012

What kind of songs do you sing in an automobile?

Car tunes.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Two guys were in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. 

“If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” said the other.

The first guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an old oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.”

He said, “I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

And I said, “No shit!”

Thursday, September 27, 2012

What reference book would a junkie consult to research the symptoms of his drug dependency?  

Addictionary.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his dinner before it was cool.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

"Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?"

"Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right."

"Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try!"

Monday, September 24, 2012

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

What mathematical term would help cover a mermaid?

An algae-bra.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

I was walking down Hennipen St. in Minneapolis and stopped in at this soda fountain. 

I walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "Give me a Minnesota." 

He looked at me funny and said "What?" 

I said, "Just give me a small diet Pepsi." 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Judge Finkel had given the clown much latitude by letting him wear stilts during the trial, but when Bozo started juggling with His Honor's gavel, the judge admonished sternly, "I will not let you turn my courtroom into a circus!"

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." 

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. 

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A Sunday school teacher was giving a bible lesson, telling the story of Lot's wife. He explained that as Lot's family left Sodom, his wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. 

One young child says, "Adults have to be careful. The other day my mother looked back as she was driving the car and turned into a telephone pole."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? 
 
Because everyone had to go in pairs.


Monday, September 17, 2012

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. 

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let me see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says to his buddy, "Wow, am I glad I quit 
drinking. Look at the test they're making you do these days!"
 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle? 

Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Friday, September 14, 2012

Thursday, September 13, 2012

And then there was the one about the streaker in church....

They caught him by the organ.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Monday, September 10, 2012

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." 

His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Friday, September 7, 2012

Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?

It was a moth ball.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Why did the spider cross the road?

There was no spider. There was no road. The spider is a metaphorical manifestation of your pathological and subconcious fear. Fear of what you may ask? The chicken!
 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

What do you do when two snails have a fight?

Let them to slug it out.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A man and his pet pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. 
 
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. 
 
Finally, the bartender says, "Last call." 
 
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my pig." 
 
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. 
 
Suddenly, the pig falls over dead. 
 
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. 
 
The bartender, yells, "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." 
 
To which the man replies, "That's not a lion, that's a pig."


Monday, September 3, 2012

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Saturday, September 1, 2012

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when 
the police officers entered?"

“I was making a bolt for the door!”

Friday, August 31, 2012

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife? 

He was an aunteater. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon? 
 
It seems that the cow didn't make it.


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What do you call the best student at Corn school?

The "A"corn.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Did you hear about the baby that was born in the high-tech delivery room?

It was cordless.

Monday, August 27, 2012

What did the bee say to the flower?

"Hey bud, when do you open?"

Sunday, August 26, 2012

What was the outcome when a lawyer sued because he tore his clothes when he slipped on a banana skin? 

He lost the suit on appeal.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 

The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. 

 “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I had just written the word Banana when much to my amazement the letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word Abanan. 

Asking my teacher to explain this, she said, "It's either a case of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowel movement!"

Monday, August 20, 2012

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. 

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" 

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious ... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much, I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." 

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." 

"Why chrome?" asks the patient. 

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that ... there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" 

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Why are pancakes like a baseball game?

Because they depend on the batter.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Why do dogs make such poor poker players?

When they get a good hand, they wag their tails.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit?

Curly hare.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?

Don't worry about him; he's just a product of our times.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It was the middle of the night. 

Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. 

The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.

“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”

Monday, August 13, 2012

A father and his son are hiking in the Grand Canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a Native American sitting on a rock.
The father points to the Native American and says, "Son, Native Americans have the best memory of any people in the world"
The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the Native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."
Without hesitation the Native American responds, "Eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.
Thirty years later, the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same Native American on the same rock.
He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this Native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says, "HOW."
Native American responds, "Scrambled."


Sunday, August 12, 2012

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping, but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was, … “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Why did the orange go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." 

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. 

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. 

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." 

 "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment." 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. 

The corners of Dick's jaw aching in anticipation, he carried it to the table in his backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped, suddenly, by his wife. 

"Hold Junior (their six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

Dick had him balanced between his left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when he noticed a streak of mustard on his fingers. Dick loves mustard. He had no napkin. So, he just licked it right off. But, It was not mustard!!! No man ever put a baby down faster. 

Now you know why they call that mustard: 'Poupon'.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. 

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. 

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. 

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. 

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. 

After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. 

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is your's raisin too?" 

"No," says the old man "....... But its startin' to twitch." 


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A couple were going out for the evening. They got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as the couple go out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
 
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
 
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Monday, August 6, 2012

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

"Come with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic-size pool.

"Wow, thank you," said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."

"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

Sunday, August 5, 2012

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

"Get in the Batmobile."

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Friday, August 3, 2012

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

What did one yoyo say to the other yoyo when he saw him?

"Yo."

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Why did the whale cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Why are frogs so happy?

They get to eat whatever bugs them.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

How does a cat get its own way?  

With friendly purrsuasion.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Bob, because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns. 

The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.  

They say, “Man, what happened to you?” 

He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. 

They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” 

He says, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  

“Good morning!” he says.  

They can’t believe it.  They say, “Man, what happened?”  

Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched ME all night.”

Friday, July 27, 2012

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?

A walkie-talkie!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

These two cannibals are standing in front of a campfire. 

One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law."  

The other cannibal says, "That's okay; just eat the rice."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Why did the owl make everyone laugh?

Because he was a hoot.

Monday, July 23, 2012

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite

He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line in and minutes later he hooked a largemouth bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.

Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sunday school teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: "No, I don't have to."

Teacher: "And why not?"

Sam: "Well, my mom is a good cook."

Saturday, July 21, 2012

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Friday, July 20, 2012

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.

One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

Thursday, July 19, 2012

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing five hundred hours of Community Service?"

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 

 The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Monday, July 16, 2012

What did the tired chess player do?

He took the knight off.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,

"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

"Well, could we at least talk?"

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."