A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?”
he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez
vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare
Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The
Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to
the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t
do him any good.”
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a
beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was
known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to
his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why
the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Dodge City was a pretty rough town, nevertheless, they had an excellent
little theatre group. One time they planned to perform the Swan Lake
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had
gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call
down to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty
of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over
on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the
Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry and someone needed to
go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest
guy in town offered to see to it, so he went to the station and sat
down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he
might be of help. Butch replied, "Thanks, I'm just waiting for the tutu
There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and
cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL
THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The poor quaking little monkey replied, "You
are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great
tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up,
slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was
just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a
The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant
and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get angry about it."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be
eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to
the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot
dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a
big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I
meant my dress size!!!!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to
get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just
remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is
going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, the Pope, two giraffes and a duck, an old yellow dog, a farmer and his daughter, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
The room was full of pregnant women and
their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor
was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the
men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you
to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?"
replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we