Tuesday, April 30, 2013

These two monkeys were discussing evolution.

One said to the other, "You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?"

Monday, April 29, 2013

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. 

The surgeon said, "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." 

The engineer replied, "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." 

The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created chaos?"

Sunday, April 28, 2013

What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

"Cheap, cheap!"

Saturday, April 27, 2013

What do you call counterfeit German currency?

Question marks.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. 

One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. 

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. 

She wrote her parents that she had put the heart before the course.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look.” 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Why? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Monday, April 22, 2013

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. 
 
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Sunday, April 21, 2013

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Saturday, April 20, 2013

What language do telescope and binocular makers speak? 

Farsi.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. 

Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?”  

Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” 

So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” 

Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dodge City was a pretty rough town, nevertheless, they had an excellent little theatre group. One time they planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.

On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call down to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.

Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry and someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to see to it, so he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help. Butch replied, "Thanks, I'm just waiting for the tutu train."

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 

The poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." 

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. 

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get angry about it."

Monday, April 15, 2013

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere." 
 
The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Sunday, April 14, 2013

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. 

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. 

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Friday, April 12, 2013

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”.

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Why did the hero flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. 

"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. 

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" 

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. 

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Monday, April 8, 2013

At this wedding, there was a child that walked down the aisle and every two steps he stopped, put his hands up in the air like claws, and gave a little roar. 
 
So it kept going. Step Step Roar, Step Step Roar. 
 
When he finally got to the altar the guests were in tears, laughing. 
 
When asked why he was doing this he said, “I was the ring bear!"

Sunday, April 7, 2013

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows; it’s never been done.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

A man is being interviewed for a job. 

“What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” 

“The slightest noise wakes me up.”

Friday, April 5, 2013

"How was your game today?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. 

"Do you see it?" asked Jack. 

"Yup," Scott answered. 

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 

"I forget."

Thursday, April 4, 2013

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, the Pope, two giraffes and a duck, an old yellow dog, a farmer and his daughter, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

As heard in the courtroom (part 3):

Attorney:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Monday, April 1, 2013

As I was driving home one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. 

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. 

“We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile on his face. 

“Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.” 

“Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”