Tuesday, February 28, 2017

What do you call an animal that only walks in straight lines?

Not turnal.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Why was the wrist afraid of the watch? 

The watch was a total Seiko.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Friday, February 24, 2017

What do you call a baker with codependency issues? 

Kneady.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Why aren't Greek yogurt and American yogurt the same? 

They come from different cultures.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sunday, February 19, 2017

It's difficult to say what Joey's wife does for a living.

She sells seashells at the seashore.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Sir Blanc was a knight who had three squires.

The first was kidnapped by bandits, the second was knocked out during a battle and captured by the enemy. 

The third, thinking that this life was too dangerous, ran away. 

In the morning the knight found an nearly empty sheet of parchment. 

The only thing written on it was: "This page intentionally left Blanc"

Friday, February 17, 2017

Thursday, February 16, 2017

What did the elephant do when he got a rash? 

He went to the pachyderm-atologist.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

How often should you wear gloves in the winter? 

Intermittenly.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Why was the desert plateau embarrassed? 

Its butte was exposed.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

What do Amtrak conductors have to do before they can work on the job? 

Train.

Friday, February 10, 2017

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. 

After dinner, the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” 

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Which brand of computers do Harry Potter fans prefer? 

HP.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Monday, February 6, 2017

Every morning an old miner went to work, picked up his pickaxe and didn't think much about it. 

Years pass, and he just goes to work, takes his pickaxe and never thinks much about it. 

One morning he goes to work, but his pickaxe isn't there, it's gone. 

He sighes, and thinks to himself, "All these years, I took this pickaxe for granite."

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Saturday, February 4, 2017

What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? 

They get their masters.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Joey's father had a messed up sense of humor. 

He loved to tell Joey and his siblings stories before bed. 

His favorite was the classic Peter Pan. 

But somehow every time at the end he found a new way for Captain Hook to win and gruesomely kill Peter. 

Luckily, Joey didn't inherit his deadpan sense of humor.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

....

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

How to you tell a male ant from a female ant?

Throw them in a bucket of water.

If it floats, it's buoyant.