Monday, April 30, 2012

Why do you find ghosts hanging around liquor stores?

That's where they get their boo's.

What is the mass of one cubic yard of Oriental soup?

Won Ton.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're very bitter.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. 

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes." 

 "Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."

Friday, April 27, 2012

A Sunday School teacher was watching her class as they drew. She asked one little girl what she was drawing. The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics. 

For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3.

But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Why did the Roman reporters rush to their papers when a Christian was victorious at the Coliseum?

There were dead lions.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?

Steer Wars.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why did the cannibal keep a blender on his porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

Friday, April 20, 2012

A dog owner had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.

The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

What do you get if you cross a pigeon with a frog?

Pigeon toad.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" asks Quasimodo.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Where do farmers sit to milk cows?

On one side or the udder.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Roger was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn’t find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.

Friday, April 13, 2012

What did the self-absorbed gymnast wear to the gymnastics meet?

A MEotard.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What is a baby's motto?

If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Monday, April 9, 2012

Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings…

I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

One day, a little boy was pulling his wagon past a church. While the preacher was standing outside, one of the wheels fell off the wagon. “God damn!” shouted the boy. The preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheel back on the wagon and went home.

The next day, the little boy went past the church with the preacher outside. Two wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheels on again and goes home.

The next day, the little boy went past the church, again with the preacher outside. Three wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put all three wheels back on his wagon and goes home.

On the fourth day, the little boy passed the church. The preacher was standing outside and all four wheels fell off the wagon. The boy looked at the wagon and said, “God bless.” Suddenly, all four wheels jumped back on the wagon and the preacher said, “GOD DAMN!”

Saturday, April 7, 2012

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

Friday, April 6, 2012

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Ron: Marry me, darling! I know I'm not much to look at...

Nancy: Oh well, you'll be at the office most of the time, anyway.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

This guy and his wife were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and he said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at him, cocked an eyebrow, and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Monday, April 2, 2012

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him."

Sunday, April 1, 2012

What Shakespeare play shows that the Bard was a Boy Scout?

Much Ado About Knotting.