Thursday, April 30, 2015

Larry was one of those guys who was in love with being in love. He had been infatuated with one girl after another ever since he could remember. Some reciprocated but others didn't, but that didn't ever stop Larry from moving on to the next conquest.

The trouble was he wasn't very good with relationships. He'd woo and court a girl and she'd fall for him and they would start seeing each other exclusively. But then Larry would start getting an almost itchy feeling, and he'd see some other pretty girl and his current lover would lose her luster almost overnight. He'd be off, making another conquest while leaving another girl with a broken heart.

That was until he met Katherine. She was the one, he knew it. She was tall and blonde and looked like a Hollywood movie star. Of course, Katherine wasn't so sure about Larry. She'd heard about him and his lack of commitment. She was going to make sure he stayed true to her, so she laid down the law. If he loved her and wanted access to her considerable charms he was going to marry her and that was that. Larry, in the throes of his infatuation, agreed and he and Katherine were married.

And he tried, he really did, but a leopard can't change his spots. Larry started a new job where he spent half the week home and half the week at an office in a city a few hours away. The secretary, Edith, caught his eye immediately. She was cute and funny and smart and she drove him crazy with her dimples. Larry slipped his wedding ring off and started chatting her up. Pretty soon he had a date and they started going out on the evenings he was in town. Katherine was none the wiser since he doted on her when he came home.

It was working pretty well for Larry, having two girls on the line, until Edith gave him an ultimatum: she was ready to have kids and if he wanted to continue with her he would have to marry her. Larry, in a panic, agreed and she dragged him down to city hall and they got hitched by the justice of the peace. He thought he had it made, with a loving wife in one town and one in the other.

That is, until his boss dropped by the office where Edith worked. She showed him her wedding ring and when he asked who she had married she pointed to Larry. The jig was up and Larry was caught, since the boss knew he was already married to another woman. He fired him on the spot and called the police who arrested him for bigamy. Both women divorced him and Larry was thrown in jail, a broken man. For he learned the hard way, you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The warden at the state penitentiary was a great adherent to modern ideas of correctional reform. He had instituted a number of programs which showed great promise, including having some of the inmates train service dogs, encouraging the arts by sponsoring several drama clubs, and setting up trade schools within the cell blocks to teach marketable skills to his charges.

One day while perusing the latest issue of Modern Incarceration he came across a fascinating article. A prison in South Dakota had a great success with a billiards tournament they ran every year. The prisoners could hone their skills in patience while learning practical geometry and the benefits of fair play. He decided to try the same thing at his prison.

Quite a number of inmates were interested. Many of them grew up around pool halls and were very good at the game. Signup for the tournament opened and a half dozen pool tables were ordered to be set up in the recreation area. The inmates all chose favorites and began making wagers on who would win the contest. There were two favorites: Rufus Kohl, a bunco artist and a bank robber named Joachim Fernandez. Both were very skilled players and handily defeated all of their opponents. As each progressed he found a particular pool stick that fit them perfectly and they made a point of using it every game. 

At last the championship round was at hand. Speculation on the outcome sparked a renewed frenzy of wagering by the prison populace. Each of the competitors spent the night before the match differently: Fernandez paced his cell, thinking of the best strategy to use to rattle the cool and collected Kohl. Kohl slept like a baby, his years of scamming people haven given him nerves of steel. 

The next day dawned and the two competitors entered the rec room and approached the table. Fernandez picked up his favorite stick, but when Kohl looked for his it was nowhere to be found! In fact, the only one in the rack was a short, twisted cue that no one had wanted to use. There was quite an uproar as the Kohl supporters accused the Fernandez fans of unsportsmanlike conduct and tampering with the outcome of the match. The warden was in a panic; if he didn't have a solution to this soon there could be a full-scale riot! He was there with the chief of security and the prison physician and relayed his fears.

"Wait! I think I have an idea!" the doctor exclaimed and rushed out of the building. In a few minutes he returned carrying an ebony case. He opened it and there was an beautiful pool stick, inlaid with ivory on the handle and quite expensive by its obvious quality. The doctor removed it and proceeded to screw the two pieces together.

"Where did you get that?" the warden inquired.

"All this talk about billiards got me interested in it myself so I bought this stick and have been playing with it in town pretty regularly. I don't mind if Kohl borrows it for the match today since there has been an attempt to throw the match."

The warden agreed and he and the doctor approached Kohl. His eyes lit up when he saw what they were bearing. They explained the situation to both players. Fernandez couldn't think of any reason to object since he had chosen his cue already, so the game began.

The match proceeded in a most exciting fashion. First one then the other took the lead, leaving his opponents with nearly-impossible positions, but each played spectacularly. When all was done, Kohl emerged the victor to the universal acclaim of the inmates. All bets were settled amicably and the inmates returned to their cells for the night.

On the way out to their cars the doctor congratulated the warden on his successful tournament and the way that the men in his charge behaved. It was apparent the program was working better than anyone had hoped.

The warden, however, lavished praise on the doctor. "Your quick thinking saved the day," he said. "I can't thank you enough for all you did to prevent a disaster!"

The doctor shook his head. "No, no. I don't need your thanks. After all, it's not every doctor who gets tell everyone he's found a cue for the con-man Kohl."

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

One of the world's renowned geneticists was working on his greatest discovery yet: the complete cloning of a human being! He worked tirelessly, running thousands of DNA models through the supercomputer at the university until he finally had what had to be the working genetic sequence. 

He began growing the sequence in a large vat, forming first simple cells, then a small mass and then a fetus. Of course, he couldn't use anyone else's DNA for the experiment so he had used his own. Over a period of a month, triggering growth hormones and other genetic events, he was able to mature the original cells into a fully-grown man, a perfect duplicate of himself! 

He then set about teaching his mirror image the basics of humanity, from caring for its personal needs to learning to read, write, walk and speak. Everything went well except for one problem: the new being was afflicted with some defect akin to Tourette's syndrome. As soon as he learned even a little foul or rude language he injected it into every conversation. It was immensely annoying but a small price to pay for such an otherwise resounding success.

Eventually the time came for the geneticist to reveal his creation to the world. He announced a great breakthrough to the university staff and colleagues from around the world. He also invited his long-time girlfriend who he had kept in the dark the whole time about his grand project. He rented the rooftop of a fancy hotel and dressed his twin in a tuxedo to match his own. While the crowd of dignitaries waited he went to make sure the sound system and lights were ready for the unveiling. His rude twin, however, saw the beautiful girlfriend and walked over to talk to her. 

Of course, as was his habit, the duplicate proceeded to suggest to her the most vile and depraved acts while insulting her parents and alluding to her promiscuity. She was livid and stormed off. When the real scientist came around the corner she screamed at him, slapping his face repeatedly and told him that she never wanted to see him again for the things he had said to her. He immediately realized what had happened and, in a fit of rage, rushed over to his creation, grabbed him and threw him over the railing to the street below!

The police were summoned and rushed to the rooftop to arrest someone for murder. They questioned the scientist but he claimed he had done nothing wrong. It was his creation, he owned the patents to the process and it was his to do with as he wished. They called the DA and he said that since the victim had never been born there was no way to prove it had ever lived, so it might not be possible to show in court that a murder had been committed.

However, the police did arrest the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

Monday, April 27, 2015

A mighty eagle soared across the sky. He was the lord of all he surveyed, and what he surveyed was far and wide, for he was several miles above the land.

Peering down from this lofty height, he spied a tiny field mouse scampering through the tall grass. "Lunch," he thought. Curling his wings ever so slightly he banked to the left, and cut a slow, lazy spiral in the sky, until he was far behind the unsuspecting rodent. Then, pulling his wings in tight to his body, the eagle fell into a nose dive straight toward the tiny animal. At the last second, he spread his wings wide to slow himself down, and snatched the field mouse up in his mighty beak. Pounding his wings against the air as hard as he could, he once again reached his former height, where he swallowed the poor mouse whole.

But the field mouse was clever. Knowing he could be digested in moments, and finding no escape through the tightly-clenched beak, the rodent instead crawled deeper down the mighty bird's gullet, swam quickly through the stomach acids, and wriggled through the eagle's intestines, until, nestle in the colon, he stuck his head out though the bird's anus.

He looked down, and saw the ground far, far away.

"How high up are we?" he asked, in a timid little voice.

The eagle responded, in stentorian tones: "Fifteen thousand feet above sea level."

The little mouse look down again, and asked: "You wouldn't shit me, would you?"

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Friday, April 24, 2015

One day, the famed frontiersman, Kit Carson, was heading home to his wife and family after having guided a group through the mountains. He was a bit tired and stopped to rest by a pond. He noticed there were quite a lot of bass in there just itching to be caught so he fashioned a pole and strung a hook and line from it. Soon he had caught two beautiful large mouth bass. He was sure his wife would be excited to have them for his welcome-home supper!

He set off down the trail and came to a field. Not far off the path he spied a quail's nest filled with eggs. Those were his wife's favorite treat, he knew. He snatched up the lot to have with dinner but then was perplexed: how could he get them home without breaking? He had an idea and pried open the mouth of one of the fish and put them in as an improvised carrier. He set off again, nearly home.

But as he approached the final leg of his journey he heard a low growl. He turned and there was a huge brown bear looking at him hungrily! Kit regretted that he had tied his gun to his pack since his hands were full carrying the fish. He had no way to defend himself. In desperation he tossed one of the fish at the bear hoping to distract him and took off for home. The bear gobbled the free meal and let our hero go on his way.

When he got home he related the story to his wife. She looked at the fish he had brought and saw its mouth was empty.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't think which fish I threw to the bear since I had to act quickly. I wish I had kept some of the quail eggs for you, dear."

His wife was not appeased. She said, "Well, it goes to show, you shouldn't put all your eggs in one bass, Kit!"

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Kevin: How do you get a mouse to smile?

Devin: I don’t know.

Kevin: Say “cheese!”

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Once upon a time there was a large and prosperous kingdom ruled by a wise and powerful king. Then disaster struck in the form of a virulent plague which caused people to sicken and die horribly within a few weeks. The population of the Kingdom was declining rapidly. All the physicians in the land were called to the Kingdom, but none of them had any idea of what to do about this terrible disease. Alas, the even king's own daughter had fallen to the sickness and would soon die without an antidote!

The old priest of the church said that he had once heard that many years ago, when his grandfather was a boy, the kingdom had been struck by just such a mysterious sickness. The pestilence had been ended with a magic potion whose formula was known by an old sorceress. It was said that she was still alive, but her home was in the middle of the Dark Forest.

"The Dark Forest!" everyone gasped. They all knew that the Dark Forest was the most dangerous place in the region. Perhaps the most dangerous place in the entire world, for in the Dark Forest roamed the mystical giant Saffron Hands, which grabbed any traveler who entered and would squeeze him to death. Since no one could come up with another plan to save the kingdom it was decided that someone had to face and defeat the Saffron Hands to locate the ancient sorceress in the middle of the Dark Forest.

The king called his bravest knight and explained the mission. Without hesitation, the brave knight mounted his steed and rode into the forest. He was never heard from again.

The king then called his second bravest knight. The second bravest knight hesitated for only a moment before going into the fatal forest. But once he went in he, too, was never heard from again.

So the king called his third and fourth bravest knights, who took a bit more persuading. None of them ever returned from the forest. Finally the remaining knights, who were not very brave at all, went into hiding.

The king was reduced to a state of despair. One of the king's young pages, Elmer, came to him and offered to go into the Dark Forest and get the magic potion from the old sorceress in return for the hand of the king's beautiful daughter in marriage.

The king was astonished by the lad's foolish bravery, but he said, "Don't you realize that the Dark Forest is the home of the Saffron Hands, and that many of my bravest knights have perished there?"

The young fellow said that he knew all about it, but for the hand of the princess he was willing to risk it. Having nothing to lose, the king agreed to let the page try it.

The page walked off into the Dark Forest, and the king expected never to see him again. Therefore the king was not merely surprised but very nearly hysterical with joy when, two days later, Elmer came walking out of the Dark Forest clutching the formula for the magic potion that would save the kingdom.
"How did you do it?" cried the king.

The page shrugged and said, "It was terrifying, your majesty. I was walking through the forest and I had just spied the hut of the old sorceress when out of the trees came two enormous yellow hands! I knew those had to be the Saffron Hands and thought I was surely to die. But when they got near they sort of froze just before they were about to wrap around me and I was able to walk right past them!"

The king smiled, clapping the brave young man on the back, and set about arranging for a royal marriage. The court physicians prepared enough of the elixir to save the rest of the kingdom.

Which goes to show, always let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Freddie the Fish always wanted to be a great artist. He started working in water colors, then moved on to other media. His favorites to paint were ocean landscapes, and he thought he was ready for the big time.

Freddie began frequenting art galleries trying to make contacts. One evening he introduced himself to Antoine Moray, the great art critic. He was able to set up a meeting for Freddie to show his portfolio but needed just the right location. Freddie knew just the place. His friend Sam the Clam owned the hottest nightclub in the trendy tide pool area. Freddie called him up and reserved a table where he could show his works to the great Moray. This would make or break him in the art world!

The night came and Freddie nervously approached the night spot, clutching his portfolio. Everybody who was anybody was there. He entered and there at the table was Moray. Freddie nervously handed over his best works and waited as Moray looked each over slowly. 

At last, when Freddie's nerves could hardly take the strain, Moray looked up at him with baleful eyes.

"Rubbish!" he announced, then rose and left to go to the bar.

Freddie was devastated. He swam dejectedly to the exit and hailed a cab to take him home. On the way he realized that everything he had ever dreamed of had just come crashing down around him. What would he do? He had to be an artist! But what if there was some mistake?

Freddie looked around to make double check that he had put his best efforts into his portfolio. But, to his dismay, he couldn't find it anywhere in the cab! 

"Driver! Turn around! I must go back!" he shouted in alarm.

"What for?" the cabby inquired.

"I left my art in Sam Clam's disco!"

Monday, April 20, 2015

An elderly gentleman stopped to talk to a little girl who was making mud pies in her front yard.

"My word!" he exclaimed. "You are pretty dirty, aren't you?"

"Yes," the girl said, "but I'm prettier clean."

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.

Doctor: How long have you had this feeling?

Patient: Ever since I was a kid.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Frank: I met my last girlfriend on the internet.

Fred: Oh yeah? what happened?

Frank: We didn't click.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Why are so many pool players deaf? 

They clean their ears with cue tips!

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

What do you give to someone that has everything?

A burglar alarm.

Monday, April 13, 2015

On a beautiful Summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said, "Dad, why are we here?"

"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We're here to savor the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son?"

"Not really, Dad."


"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago?"

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. 

Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan Kenobi deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts.

All this is done with consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.

Anyway, poor old Luke Skywalker is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. 

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, “Use the forks, Luke.”

Saturday, April 11, 2015

A man went to his local gym to ask about yoga classes for beginners. 

The instructor asked, “How flexible are you?”

“Well,” the man replied. “I can’t do Wednesdays.”

Friday, April 10, 2015

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” 

All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. 

Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. 

Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” 

The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Thursday, April 9, 2015

"Doctor, Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in two places!"

"Well, don’t go back to those places anymore."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

What do you call a cheer leading dog? 

A “pom-pomeranian!”

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair?

You rock to the beat.

Monday, April 6, 2015

What do you give a person with water on the brain? 

A tap on the head.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny? 

By hare mail!

Saturday, April 4, 2015

What does the Easter bunny get for making a basket?

Two points, unless it was made from beyond the three-point line.

Friday, April 3, 2015

What's musical and handy in a supermarket? 

A Chopin Liszt.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Why isn't whispering permitted in class? 

Because it's not aloud.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015