Saturday, April 30, 2011

The brilliantly colored, large-billed bird was very elusive. No matter how hard the hunter tried, the bird got away. Over and over the hunter set traps that the bird eluded.

Finally the bird set a trap for the hunter…and he fell for it. As he realized he’d become the hunted instead of the hunter, the man yelled, “What the hell…!”

And the bird laughed, thinking, "Toucan play at that game."

Friday, April 29, 2011

What's the difference between a horse and a pencil?

You can drive a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Miguel Rodriquez had long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep. One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales. Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.

Miguel has known from his childhood that to see Esta is to sleep.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Monday, April 25, 2011

The ship sank. He was the lone survivor. He swam towards a distant beach.

When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings; that's when he saw the first one... a pecan pie. He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla gelato, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples, and yellow cake.

Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?

Because it was a little chicken.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?

Two points just like everybody else does.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Two muffins were sitting in the oven.

One muffin said, "Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?"

The other muffin said, "Eek! A talking muffin!"

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why are dolphins more clever than humans?

Because within three hours they can train a person to stand on the side of a pool and feed them fish.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Monday, April 18, 2011

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company.

His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, “You’re new aren’t you?”

The bus driver says, “Yes ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, I’d like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne.”

He simply can’t believe his eyes – these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they’re fat.

The mother says, “Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age…”

He keeps his tongue under control. She says, “I’d like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus.”

“No problem,” he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, “You’re new, aren’t you?” He says,

“Yes, ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, I’d like you to meet my son Josh. He’s very special.”

And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, “My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day.”

“No problem,” says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) “You’re new aren’t you?”

He says, “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

She says, “Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester.”

And when the driver looks at Lester, it’s a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He’s limping painfully.

The mother says, “Lester has problems with his feet.” The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, “I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall.”

The driver says, “No problem,” and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It’s disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, “I quit!”

The boss says, “Whaddya mean, you quit?”

The bus driver replies, “There’s no future in this job.”

The boss says, “What are you talking about?”

The bus driver answers, “Here’s my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be. … Two obese Pattys, special Josh, and Lester Cleese Picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?”

Sunday, April 17, 2011

What do Eskimos get when they sit on the ice too long?


Saturday, April 16, 2011

My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls, but his wife preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to place a “modesty plant” so that it obscured the view.

“Now I don’t think there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom,” I told my uncle, “You should be able to sit and reflect.”

Friday, April 15, 2011

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck on the chicken's foot.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one thing; she’d never won an Academy Award. She was known for being terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also known to soften for the promise of the elusive award.

One day she was called by the great director, Meyer Schmidt, and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it. “Iss Nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I’ll not do it.”

“But Honeykins,” he cried, “It’s a wonderful script.”

“I didn’t say it vasn’t vunderful or goot, but I’ll not do it.”

“But Sweetiekins,” Meyer continued, “with my direction and your acting and name, it will make us millions.”

“More geldt I don’t need. Ich do nicht like the script.”

“But, Darling, don’t you see? With my connections, I can almost guarantee you an Academy Award with a good performance.”

Zelda thought a moment then agreed, saying, “Oh, I’d luff to be an Oscar veener, Meyer!”

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Why did the chicken go to the library?

To check out a bawk, bawk, bawk.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A visiting minister gave the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point…

Monday, April 11, 2011

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?


Sunday, April 10, 2011

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in Michigan near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. “Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”

The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

Saturday, April 9, 2011

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

Friday, April 8, 2011

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold to wash them out Tide.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Once there was this monastery in 15th century Europe that had a problem. The Monks needed funding, and their treasury was low. So they decided to hold a revival meeting (medieval style.)

First, one of the brothers started banging on this really loud, raucous drum, and shouting out the evils of sin. Then they had some minstrels come in and sing a few hymns. After which they preached a sermon, and passed around the collection plate.

When it was all over they evaluated the outcome, and the people of the town decided that all else went well, but all the ladies present said that the pre–minstrel sin drum was really the pits.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sunday, April 3, 2011

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Saturday, April 2, 2011

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?


Friday, April 1, 2011

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."