Thursday, June 30, 2011

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?

Because they couldn't spell.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I need your help. My husband thinks he is a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," the doctor said, "it's a harmless complex."

"Maybe so," said the woman, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and it
keeps me awake."

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A young man visited his friend’s home at dinner time. Upstairs the kids were yelling and screaming. The young man commented “It sounds like a den of iniquity up there.”

Replied the father, “Oh no, that’s just the kids dividing up a pizza. It’s more like a din of inequity.”

Monday, June 27, 2011

Speaking of fish, did you know that ancient fishing villages bartered with fish instead of money?

They were the first to use credit cods.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Why wouldn't they let the stink bug into the movies?

He only had one scent and it wasn't enough.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

At a party an elderly lady was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today.

"Look at the girl over there," she complained. "I don't know what young girls are coming to! She's wearing boy's jeans, a boy's shirt, and that haircut is so boyish – you wouldn't know she was a girl at all, would you?"

"Well, as it happens, I would," came the reply, "because she is my daughter."

"Oh dear," said the old lady embarrassed, "I'm so sorry – I didn't know you were her father."

"I'm not, I'm her mother."

Friday, June 24, 2011

Once upon a time, a particularly large tornado picked up the contents of a fish pond and some houses, and carried them all away. Also as it happens, one of the creatures that was carried away was a common pond toad. He flew through the air for several hours, a trip which only came to an end when he fell, plop, into a gallon of yellow paint.

The toad crawled out and tried to clean himself up. The paint all came off except for that on his private parts, and that seemed to be a permanent addition. Disaster! The paint would lead to the demise of the love life of any self-respecting toad, so it had to come off.

Seeking help, he turned to a local witch, Glinda the Good. By now, you know we are in the Land of Oz, of course, and Glinda indicated that the toad must travel to see the Wizard, since only one so powerful could be expected to help. Glinda gave very explicit, detailed directions to the toad, and away he hopped to find the Wizard.

Immediately thereafter, a little girl and her dog came to see Glinda. They wanted to go home back to Kansas. Immediately afterward came a scarecrow seeking adequate cerebral function, a lion seeking intestinal fortitude, and a metallic man wanting a cardiovascular system. The nearest thing to the needed travel agent and transplant physician was the Wizard, of course.

By now, Glinda was becoming exasperated with all the unexpected traffic and questions. Instead of giving individual directions, she instructed all the people who came to question her in these words that soon became world famous, “Follow the yellow-dick toad!”

Thursday, June 23, 2011

What do you get when you mix holy water with Ex-Lax?

A religious movement.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A man was laying new carpeting his living room. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette. Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead, he took his hammer, and he pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen. A few minutes later his wife came into the room and handed him his cigarettes.

"I found them in the kitchen," she told him. "Now if I can just find our pet hamster."

Monday, June 20, 2011

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. “Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

Saturday, June 18, 2011

After living in the Kentucky mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with."

Friday, June 17, 2011

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be called baygulls.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"What's this daily charge for 'fruit'?" the hotel guest asked the manager. "We didn't eat any."

"But the fruit was in your room every day. It isn't our fault you didn't take advantage of it."

"I see," said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill.

"What are you doing?" sputtered the manager.

"I'm subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife."

"What? I didn't kiss your wife."

"Ah," replied the man, "but she was there."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Why weren't there any worms on the ark?

Because they come in apples, not pears.

Monday, June 13, 2011

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Saturday, June 11, 2011

There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years enjoyed a simple life. Mr. and Mrs. Green were very happy in their country cottage, George’s passion was his vegetable patch, while Martha’s was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect situation.

Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.

George’s usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a recipe that was *her* little secret.

Together, they made an immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others, truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbors would never refuse a dinner invitation, if George had recently been to a show.

One year in particular, though George didn’t know why, his cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.

When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and appetizing! George won every prize there was!

Beaming with pride he returned home to the bosom of his loving wife. As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling up a small portion of George’s vegetable fare until it was just right, not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared her special sauce.

George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.

When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year, Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.

With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the wonderful aroma.


The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha’s expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incredibly revolting that both George and his wife could not even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered.

Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine. George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.

‘Look’ he said ‘not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous red stains’ Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely color spoiled only by its source.

‘Never mind’ Martha said, going to kiss George ‘I’m sure we can think of something’

‘I doubt it’ George replied ‘it even makes your breath smell bad’ George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he didn’t really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.

‘What are we going to do?’ asked George. ‘We have so many cauliflowers and they’re all so large. We can’t just throw them away!’

Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been musing and had come up with an idea.

‘What about lipstick?’


‘Well given the nice color, couldn’t we some how make a lipstick and sell it? Then it wouldn’t be such a waste we might even make enough money to take a little holiday.’

‘And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process’ she added, always concerned about these things.

‘Perhaps, perhaps…’ said George

So they set about their new project, in Martha’s typically organized way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife labored night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally they had produced the basic lipstick component.

‘Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly’ said Martha

‘Yes, and it still smells a bit’ said George ‘maybe we ought to put a warning on the packaging. I’m sure if its used carefully it’ll be OK.’ ‘Good idea’ Martha said ‘what shall we write?’

George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new product. I’ve got it’ he said ‘we’ll write . . . Super-Cauli Fragile Lipstick, Expect Halitosis!

Friday, June 10, 2011

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Thursday, June 9, 2011

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For heavens sake, you idiot, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!!"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter; ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

(This joke was sent to me by one of my favorite sister-in-laws)

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Mexican, named Juan, decided that he might be able to supplement his income by investing in, breeding, and selling tropical birds. He began by buying a large red-billed toucan and started to raise it in an attempt to discover if he had a flair for handling birds. He soon discovered that the care and feeding of his rare tropical toucan was costing much more than he had originally anticipated.

Juan tried to save money by sacrificing his own dietary well being and began living on basic staples like rice and beans. Unfortunately, the bird was still very expensive to feed and care for. Juan experimented. He began feeding his bird the same food he ate.

He was surprised to discover that the bird flourished. The toucan did wonderfully well eating the same inexpensive food as Juan. The bird particularly liked rice and beans.

Juan became famous in the annals of bird breeding when it was discovered that toucan live as cheaply as Juan.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Andy and Billy were inspecting their Easter basket goodies when Andy noticed that all of Billy's candy bars had peanuts in them while his did not.

Andy suffered from peanuts envy.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc.

A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say:


The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said:


This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say:


Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice


Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say:


Replied the other:


A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly:


Paddy responded:


Friday, June 3, 2011

What ever happened to all of the dogs after Pavlov's famous experiment?

They were donated to the "Salivation" Army.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.

Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”

“Look there you go again,” said the man. “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”

“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”

“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”

“Well, I really don’t know …”

“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”

“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”

“Well let’s go inside and settle this!”

“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”

“You’re on!” said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please?”

The bartender sighed and asked, “Is that nun out there again?”