Friday, March 31, 2017

A quick guide on "How To Fall Downstairs":

Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be? 

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Why does Lex Luthor carry around a gun and a spoon wherever he goes? 

In case he ever meets soup or man.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

What do you call a band made of psychoanalysts? 

Pink Freud.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Why did Mike Tyson send his lemonade back? 

It tasted like pith.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Why did the pirates stop playing chess? 

Because it was getting stale, matey.

Friday, March 24, 2017

What do marsupials prefer to drink instead of water? 

Any kind of koala tea drink.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

What do you call a driver that's never been in an accident? 

Wreckless.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Monday, March 20, 2017

What do you call a section of musicians who refuse to play? 

A non-violin protest.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Why did Thor only invite his brother to his party? 

He wanted to keep it low key.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

What did the tree say after a long winter? 

What a re-leaf!

Friday, March 17, 2017

How does a Lego man measure his shoe-size? 

In square feet

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Why was the religious chef sacked from the ice-cream parlor? 

He refused to work on sundaes.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Monday, March 13, 2017

Have you ever heard of Murphy's law?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Have you ever heard of Cole's law? 

It's just thinly sliced cabbage

Sunday, March 12, 2017

How did the typewriter know it was pregnant?

It skipped a period.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

What did the Italian dish say when asked why it couldn't get into the house?

Gnocchi.

Friday, March 10, 2017

There have been years of analysis by mainframe computers but it was a humble supermarket self checkout which finally unlocked the secrets of how dogs communicate with each other. 

Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Why did the bird cross the kitchen? 

To Eat! To Eat! To Eat!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

How do you make an Escalade? 

Two cups of water, two tablespoons of sugar, and one freshly squeezed escal.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I went to the zoo yesterday and, can you believe it, I saw eight large baguettes in a cage! 

The zoo keeper told me they were bread in captivity.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist!"

Sunday, March 5, 2017

What's the point of the ethernet?

To catch the ether bunny.


Saturday, March 4, 2017

Friday, March 3, 2017

Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on?

The dog was a little husky.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Wednesday, March 1, 2017