Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A guy says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."

The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

The guy says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

Monday, October 29, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

A counter spy

Saturday, October 27, 2012

How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?

With a warlock.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Why does Moby Dick spell his name 'Mby'? 

Because he is a creature of the O shun.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

He wanted to see how long he slept.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after the earthquake?

It's not my fault.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a bad summer.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. 

He was sporting a huge black eye. 

When asked if he had run into a door, he replied that the beauty of the place had struck him.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil. 

He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back. 

So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude, even though I know that.someday there'll be Hell toupee.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee performance. 

At 1:55, the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. 

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 

"What about you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer. 

She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!"

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What's the difference between a lawyer and God? 

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Monday, October 15, 2012

"I'd like two pork chops," said the patron to her butcher, "and make them lean." 

"Yes ma'am," said the obliging butcher, standing them on end. "Which way?"

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. 

The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat. 

"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A famous poet of years gone by was suffering with a cold. He was particularly bothered by a runny nose. 

He went to the doctor, explained his problem to the nurse, and then waited while she went to talk to the doc. 

She told the doctor, "You have to do something about Poe’s nasal drip.”

Friday, October 12, 2012

Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?

Because of all the tellers.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

What old play is about advertising by sheep farmers?

Much Ado About Mutton.

Monday, October 8, 2012

How many ears does Mr. Spock have? 

Three; a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they re-search everything.

Friday, October 5, 2012

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? 

A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

How many 'real men' does it take to change a light bulb?

None. 'Real men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

First Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a new hat.

Second Woman: Oh, so that's where you get them.

Monday, October 1, 2012

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."