Sunday, March 31, 2013

The great composer, Johann Sebastian Bach, developed a prodigious appetite whenever he worked away from home. 

So every time he went any place he packed a valise with six sandwiches, three apples, some cheese,and a selection of cookies. 

This became known as a Bach's lunch.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. 

His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. 

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Friday, March 29, 2013

How many successful jumps must a person make before he graduates from parachute school? 

All of them.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

As heard in the courtroom (part 2):

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in  his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Coast Guard received a mayday message, "Help! We're in the water!"

"Capsize?" the radio operator asked. 

After a long silence, the voice answered, "Six and seven-eights."

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

As heard in the courtroom (part 1):

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Monday, March 25, 2013

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Sunday, March 24, 2013

A man lying on his deathbed called his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor to his bedside. "I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to you, my three most trusted friends, I am leaving $50,000 in each of these three envelopes. When I die, you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, "I can't hide what I've done. I took $10,000 from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then the doctor also started to fidget and finally confessed, “I took $30,000 from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Then the lawyer said plainly, “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. 

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. 

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." 

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Friday, March 22, 2013

Why don't matches play baseball?

One strike, and they're out.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

And then there was the movie about this guy who lost his pocket protector, acne cream, and internet girlfriend in one day. 

It was a real Geek Tragedy.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

"I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class," said the father to his son.

"Don’t worry Dad," he replied. "They still teach the same thing at both ends."

Monday, March 18, 2013

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very angry. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. 

The policeman asked for a description. 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." 

The woman replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Saturday, March 16, 2013

"Doctor,” the man said to his ophthalmologist, “I was looking in the mirror this morning, and I noticed that one of my eyes is different than the other!”

“Oh?” replied the doctor, “Which one?”

Friday, March 15, 2013

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they research everything.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

One dark and stormy night, a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking back, he saw a coffin following him, upright. 

He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "Thumpety thump, thumpety thump." 

He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, "Thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap." 

Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. 

The coffin continued, "Thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH," it came right through the door. 

He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "Thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap." 

He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "Thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash." 

Terrified, the man grabbed the first thing he found, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

This horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey!"

The horse replies, "You read my mind, buddy."

Monday, March 11, 2013

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him."

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

“He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark." came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

“Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back

"No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......I've found Cod - I'm a prawn again Christian".

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. 

The duck in the back says, “Quack, quack, quack!”

The duck in the front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

Friday, March 8, 2013

There were these two cows standing in the field. 

One cow says to the other, "Boy, that mad cow disease has got me worried."

The other cow says, "I'm not worried, I'm a penguin."

Thursday, March 7, 2013

How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take him more than five years to do it.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Why couldn't the teddy bear eat any more dinner?

He was already stuffed!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Monday, March 4, 2013

A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve their communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.

“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy… here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”

John agreed.

At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited. “I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.

“Great!” replied the counselor, “ And how’s your wife?”

John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”

Sunday, March 3, 2013

This couple is reading the Sunday paper.

The wife says, "This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!"

Her husband, not to appear uninterested, says, "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her."

Saturday, March 2, 2013

What do a telephone and a dog have in common?

They both have collar ID.

Friday, March 1, 2013

“How did school go today?" a mother asked her little boy. 

“Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child.”

"What did she say?” his mother asked. 

“The teacher said, 'Thank goodness!'”