Saturday, December 31, 2016

What happens when you buy a bigger bed?

You have more bed room but less bedroom.

Friday, December 30, 2016

What did the butcher say when he found a group of people who'd been trapped in his meat locker all night?

Icy dead people.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Why is being a pirate is so popular?

Once you lose your hand, you're hooked!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Monday, December 26, 2016

So, I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in the kitchen. 

But the publisher refused, saying they could not publish illegal material. 

Stupid anti counter fitting laws.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Thursday, December 22, 2016

They walk down the aisle in their underwear and it's called "art" and "fashion".

When Joey does it, he's "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target".

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Monday, December 19, 2016

Why are people in Taiwan's capital so serious?

They all have Taipei personalities.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude-Olph.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

How do you make a chicken egg roll?

Put it on an inclined plane.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

What do you call a hairstyle that didn't use hairspray, and came out terribly?

 A no-can do.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

What kind of music do wind turbines like? 

They're big metal fans.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see after while and the other you'll see later.

Monday, December 12, 2016

These two shepherds are leaning on their staffs at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighs and shakes his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." 

The first replies, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Why are there always two EMTs in an ambulance?

Because they're a pair of medics.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Friday, December 9, 2016

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

"I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind."

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters?  

Because they're all not Zs.

Monday, December 5, 2016

What did the facial hair say when it ran away? 

Moustache.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Friday, December 2, 2016

What is it called if you prefer bowls over plates?

Dishcrimination.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

To whomever stole my thesaurus....

You made my day bad. 

I hope bad things happen to you. 

You're a bad person.