Monday, December 31, 2012

Once, a neighbor commented on how poorly my children looked, their faces brown and shriveled, wrinkled and dehydrated. 

I said I was raisin my kids.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'What's Up, Pussycat'." 

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 

"Is it common?" 

"It's not unusual."

Saturday, December 29, 2012

There was once a veterinarian who loved to hack gene sequences. One day he successfully grafted pieces of cantaloup DNA to the DNA of a dog zygote. The engineered zygote soon developed into a little puppy. The result was far less dramatic than one might expect. The animal was recognizably canine, if tiny and roly poly. Its fur had an overall orange tint. The vet raised the puppy to adulthood and all was generally fine, though the animal was rather small and rotund.

The veterinarian noticed that his dog was becoming lethargic and increasingly morose. Being concerned with the animal’s overall health and mental well-being, the vet tried many things to cure his dog’s apparent depression. After all, he felt guilty that its growing languishment could be the direct result of his genetic experimentation. He tried altering the animal’s diet, its exercise, and its play, but nothing seemed to help. Finally he took the dog to an animal psychiatrist.

The vet sat in the waiting room while the orange tinted dog was in with the animal counselor. Finally the door opened, and the veterinarian rose to his feet. The psychiatrist came out with the dog.

“Tell me, Doctor. What’s wrong? Is my dog going to be okay?”

“Don’t worry, Doctor. He’ll be fine. He’s just a little melon collie.”

Friday, December 28, 2012

"There is no free will," said the old sage, "for you may not choose your parents nor the hour of your birth, neither may you select the time and manner of your death, nor may you have any voice in what passes in between, although if you can afford a good plastic surgeon, you might be able to pick your own nose."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? 

A Saddle Light Dish.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louaville." 

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. 

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." 

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.


His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."  To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Monday, December 24, 2012

A retired jazz musician was staring at his instrument up on the shelf, fearing it was getting rusty. 

"My horn needs a good blow" he mused.

"Sax! Is that all you can ever think of?" cried his wife.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

What keeps a dock floating above water? 

Pier pressure.
What should you give to the person who has everything? 


Friday, December 21, 2012

What was Good King Wenceslas’s favorite pizza? 

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? 

Because turtles have such tiny ears.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

How can you tell when a man is well hung? 

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Why don't mummies take vacations? 

They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Monday, December 17, 2012

My dermatologist is very successful; however, he had to build his practice from scratch. 

Unlike other dermatologists who promise an immediate cure, he does not make rash promises.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. 

An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. 

"My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

Friday, December 14, 2012

A housewife purchased a sausage from her local butcher. 

When she returned, she expressed her dismay that only one end of the sausage had sausage in it. 

The butcher responded, " In these tough times, it's difficult to make both ends meat."

Thursday, December 13, 2012

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? 

Half way.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My parents gave me a baby duck for my birthday. 

Do you know what happens to a baby duck before it grows up? 

It grows down.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

In the neurobiology lecture, the professor mentioned that much of the data was culled from studies of leeches. 

He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached to the researchers."

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. 

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." 

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" 

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Saturday, December 8, 2012

And then there was the one about the piece of fruit on trial....

It was judged by a jury of his pears.

Friday, December 7, 2012

"Life is a gamble," Mother Cabbage told her offspring, Brussels Sprout. "You have to weather storms and drought. You have to fend off animals, bugs, mold, and rot. But if you hang in there, you'll grow."

"I'll try," said the little Sprout. "But how long does this take. When should I stop growing?" 

"As with any other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head."

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 

The reason? 

What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

There were these two eggs talking in a monastery. 

"I really don't like it here," says one. 

"Why not?" 

"Well, you know, it's always out of the frying pan and into the friar."

Monday, December 3, 2012

And then there was the one about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards....

He was just going through a stage.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

A wife invited some people to dinner. 

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. 

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Saturday, December 1, 2012

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex. 

A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight."