Sunday, January 31, 2016

Joey's wife told him she was leaving him because she couldn’t live with him always making stupid Star Wars puns

Divorce is strong with this one….

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Friday, January 29, 2016

A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant.

The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer.

The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?”

The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”

Thursday, January 28, 2016

I was leafing through the local newspaper and came across a Help Wanted ad saying "ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000".

So I called them up and said, "The answer is negative $5,000."

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

What is a dumbwaiter?

One who asks if the kids care to order dessert.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Monday, January 25, 2016

Sunday, January 24, 2016

I have ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. 

I'll let you know!

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Joey said that he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain.

I still think he's raised the bar too high...

Friday, January 22, 2016

Then there was the one about the guy who sued Starbucks because he ran out of coffee.

The court dismissed the case. The judge said the guy had no grounds.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I once believed that nothing succeeds like success

But, according to a friend, nothing succeeds like a bird without teeth.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Monday, January 11, 2016

A guy calls the front desk in the hotel and says, "Hey, I've gotta leak in my sink!"
The desk clerk says, "Well, go ahead. Everybody else does."

Sunday, January 10, 2016

One local was known for catching his limit every time he went out. Finally one day the Game Warden, a bit suspicious, asked if he could go with him. "Sure," the man replied, "meet me at the dock tomorrow at noon."

The next day the warden joined the man at the dock. He got in his boat, and they proceeded to one of the remotest parts of the lake. The warden noticed the man had a tackle box, but no fishing poles. Just as he was about to say something, the man stopped the boat, opened the tacklebox, pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it overboard. BOOM! As the fish floated to the top, the man proceeded to grab them and toss them in the cooler.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" yelled the warden. "That's highly illegal! You just violated about three dozen federal laws!"

The man looked at the warden, picked up another stick of dynamite, lit it, and tossed it into the Game Warden's lap. Then he said, "You gonna sit there and gripe, or are you gonna fish?"

Saturday, January 9, 2016

What did Dennis Rodman do when the Lakers gave him his pink slip? 
He put it on and left!

Friday, January 8, 2016

What do lawyers wear when they play football? 
Legal pads and briefs.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

A lady, staying a hotel, called the desk clerk and said, "There's a man in the next building, with his window shades wide open, walking around stark naked."

The desk clerk went up to her room, looked out the window, and said, "Lady, I don't see any naked man."

The lady said, "Well, stand on the dresser and take a look."

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Why was Cleopatra so cantankerous?

She was the Queen of Denial.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

At the school concert, Joey had volunteered to play his bagpipes. The noise was dreadful, like a choir of cats singing off-key.

After he'd blown his way through "The Flowers of the Forest", he asked, "Is there anything else you'd like me to play?"

"Yes!" cried a voice from the back of the hall. "Play dead!"

Monday, January 4, 2016

Sunday, January 3, 2016

There was this circus fire eater who married his old flame after a long and extinguished career. 

He planned to teach his son the family business, but his ulcer flared up and he was unable to pass the torch.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

An electrician finally arrived home at 2 a.m. 

His wife was waiting and said, "Wire you insulate?" 

He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm ain't I?"

Friday, January 1, 2016