Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

Monday, May 30, 2011

What do you call a dog that throws up in the house?


Sunday, May 29, 2011

Once, in ancient times, there were two neighboring kingdoms who had, since Time Immemorial, continued a border war.

No one could be found in either the Kingdom of Tar or the Kingdom of Ory to tell why the war continued, or why it had begun in the first place, except to say that the two kingdoms were implacable enemies. In the spring of one year, both kingdoms had much more rain than usual. Day after day of rain saturated the farm lands of both Tar and Ory, and an enormous crop of weeds sprang up, hindering the spring planting and threatening both kingdoms with starvation. Something had to be done. Emissaries were sent to arrange a truce between the two kingdoms so that the soldiers could help with ridding the fields of each kingdom of the plague of weeds.

The truce went so well that the emissaries agreed that the soldiers of each country would help the other get rid of their weeds. Suddenly the thoughts of war were over for the first time in living memory, the weeds were destroyed, and the two kings held a great celebration in which their peoples found out they rather liked each other, after all.

So, replacing the tradition of war between the two kings, the great Spring celebration was held every year, thereafter, and the Kings became known as The Weed-free Kings of Ory and Tar.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient Greek times?

Dr. Zeus.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The hippie couple was somewhat distressed that their son didn't also turn out to be a flower child.

"Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

When was baseball first played in the Bible?

In the big inning.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?


Monday, May 23, 2011

It is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.

**Voice from the back** “How severe was it?”

It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

“We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine.”

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Once upon a time there dwelt in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw.

Verily, he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet it did sorely trouble him, so that each day he would go into the deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver screw.

Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, ‘Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me lift thy burden.’

The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. ‘But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.’

The youth didn’t need to consider the wish for a moment. ‘Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.’

The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens using the crone’s magic spell.

Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.

As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which in turn disappeared, as did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.

The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once, twice, thrice! And his butt fell off.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling, "Mom, Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

There was a certain town famous for its marketplace that had been set up in a riverbed after the river had been dammed. The market specialized in the valuable gemstones that could be found in the levee by the few who knew where to look. It was a challenge to dig them out of the dam, but it provided a good living.

Saul, being inexperienced, wanted to gather all the stones at once and sell them in one huge batch. Paul, being older and wiser, said, “You don’t want to dig out all the stones at one time. You’ll flood the market.”

Monday, May 16, 2011

A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!".

She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"

The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

Sunday, May 15, 2011

What do zombies do?

Zombies make honey; others just buzz and sting.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is against the law; illegal is a sick bird.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble and need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette tells her sister that she is going to a certain ranch where there is a bull for sale and that if she decides to buy it, she will contact her sister so that she can drive there to haul the bull back.

The brunette arrives at the ranch, likes the looks of the bull and buys it for $599. After paying for him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch and that I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so that we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator tells her that he will be glad to help and that it only costs 99 cents per word. Unfortunately the brunette only has one dollar left after paying for the bull, which means she can only send her sister a single word.

After thinking for a moment, she tells the operator to send a telegram with the single word “Comfortable.” The operator shakes his head and asks, “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul the back to your ranch if you send her just the word “Comfortable”?

The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow — Com-for-da-bul.”

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Once upon a time, about 4000 years ago, a great army of Kurds (from Kurdistan in Iraq) swept across the Middle East, conquering vast areas of land. They pushed westward until they reached what is the present state of Israel. There, they met staunch resistance from a small tribe of mountain dwellers called the Yerms. The Yerms were wonderful archers. They would simply wait in the hills until the Kurds passed through the valleys below, then they would shower the Kurdish soldiers with hundreds of arrows. For defense, the Yerms built a series of underground tunnels in which they could seek refuge whenever they were threatened.

After a long struggle, the Yerms were finally defeated, and the Kurds conquered the land. There was one Yerm, however, who had not given up. He decided to exact revenge. The Kurdish King had set up his capitol in Jerusalem, a city dominated by hills on the East. Through these hills there was only one narrow pass providing easy passage to Kurdistan. The last remaining Yerm guarded the pass and shot everyone who tried to get through. When the Kurdish soldiers came after him, he simply scuttled into one of the tunnels the Yerms had dug and escaped.

This distressed the King of the Kurds. Because of one lowly Yerm, no important messages or emissaries could pass through from his kingdoms in the East. The King had his military leaders identify the scrawniest, fastest soldier in the army. He called the man to his throne room one day and told him to go into the hills alone at night, sneak into the Yerm’s tunnels and capture that one last remaining Yerm. The soldier went out that very night, but never returned.

The King then identified and commissioned his second scrawniest soldier to attempt the same thing. That second scrawny soldier was never seen again. For weeks, the King kept sending out his dwindling supply of scrawny soldiers but none ever returned.

The King had become terribly discouraged when, one day, a big, burly soldier appeared before him and claimed he could capture the Yerm. The King doubted the wisdom of the move, but in his desperation he directed the big Kurd to find and capture the wily Yerm.

The next morning, bright and early, the King was awakened by the return of the soldier who marched into the palace with the Yerm slung over his shoulder. The delighted King promptly promoted the Kurd to captain of the guard, and, as was Kurdish custom, made the Yerm his personal man-servant.

As the new captain turned to leave, the King stopped him and asked, “Captain, how did you capture the Yerm?”

The big, burly soldier responded, “Sire, everyone knows that the burly Kurd catches the Yerm!”

Monday, May 9, 2011

What starts with "t", is full of "t", and ends with "t"?

A teapot.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Once upon a time in the hills of Tennessee, there was a pie-making contest. This contest was special, because it was for mothers and sons who competed in teams. The mother-son teams were judged on speed, and each team had a bell to ring when they were through.

The day of the contest came, and the judges watched the proceedings, listening intently for the sound of the first bell. Suddenly a bell did indeed ring out, and one judge asked, “Who rang?” A voice from the crowd of spectators called out, “Lem and his maw rang.”

Ever since then, the pie they made has been known as “Lem and Maw Rang Pie.”

Saturday, May 7, 2011

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"

Friday, May 6, 2011

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” the Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” and proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “‘Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “‘Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred…

“So, when I start?”

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?

He was afraid to work without Annette.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What did the horse say when he fell down?

"I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

Monday, May 2, 2011

Ed was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND HAD IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"