Thursday, June 30, 2016

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Where do psychologists like to eat?

Kentucky Freud Chicken.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I decided to grow a garden last year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out. 

It was thyme.

Monday, June 27, 2016

The mother who injected her eight year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

One day on the farm, a horse was listening to his favorite band, The Beatles, and loved their music so much that he decided he wanted to start his own band, and do a concert for all the animals on the farm.

Later that day he went out to the field and asked a cow if he would like to join the band that he was putting together. The cow agreed as he wanted to help out his friend.

The horse then went to find his friend the pig and asked him if he'd like to join the band as well. He agreed to do so on the terms that he got to play the guitar. The horse was fine by that.

Lastly, he went over to a flock of sheep, and asked if they could sing for his band. They agreed as long as they got to pick the song that they sang. The horse was fine by that.

They practiced all week long until the big day had arrived. The concert was minutes from starting and the band was getting ready to go on stage. Suddenly, when the band saw all the animals waiting to see them perform, they got stage fright and started to panic. The cow, the horse, and the flock of sheep fled from the concert hall.

The horse was devastated because he didn't get to perform in front of all the animals. Then a pig walked by and saw that the horse was upset. The pig looked at the horse and asked, "Why the long face?"

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Why didn't the Oreo didn't show up for class?

He was out playing cookie.

Friday, June 24, 2016

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

The first row of a country concert.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Why do beers cost so much on airplanes?

You're paying for the atmosphere.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Monday, June 20, 2016

Why did the dancer take the elevator?

Because he was Fred Astairs.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

What do you call a chubby renal system doctor that talks about the weather?

A meteurologist.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

What's the best advice you can give to a blood donor?

Be positive.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Joey's dad is obsessed with all types of bags. Where does he live?

Baghdad.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Why did the wizard's girlfriend have a lot of hickeys?

Because he's a neck romancer.

Friday, June 10, 2016

I told my wife about about a bee that I thought was dead but it was still walking.

It must have been a Zom-bee.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

What did the fog say to the mist?

Two's company, three's a cloud.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

What did the Andean mammal say when it was time to go on vacation?

Alpaca suitcase.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Monday, June 6, 2016

What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes?

A bit neurotic.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Why did the sycophant open an Indian restaurant?

He wanted to curry favor.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

If there’s a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?

Beauty… beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Thursday, June 2, 2016

What do you call the man who just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft, and Wonder Woman?

I call him a heroine dealer.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016