Monday, March 31, 2014

A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home. 

"It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Frank was a happily married man who had only one complaint: His wife, Myra, was always nursing sick birds. 

One cold November evening he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin tablet, while in the kitchen Myra was comforting a shivering wren. 

Frank dropped his briefcase and strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "Myra!" he shouted. "I can't take it anymore! We've got to get rid of all of these da..." 

Myra held up her hand and and cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said. "Not in front of the chilled wren!"

Saturday, March 29, 2014

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight." 

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." 

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? 

"No, this is 322-1374." 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." 

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Friday, March 28, 2014

In the backwoods of Tennessee, the man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The backwoods man scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light what's attractin' 'em?"

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break. 

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. 

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?" 

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back. 

At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. 

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. 

"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Monday, March 24, 2014

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him. 
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Sunday, March 23, 2014

At 3:00 AM, a young wife shook her husband awake.
Groggily he asked "What is it?" 

"The baby," she reminded him. 

The husband sat up and listened intently. 

"But I don't hear her crying," he protested. 

"I know, and it's your turn to see why not!"

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Friday, March 21, 2014

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."

Thursday, March 20, 2014

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. 

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." 

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. 

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

At the supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop. 

Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!" 

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. 

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. 

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. 

"Could I have a pint of ale?" 

"No!" she shouted. 

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
  "No!" she shouted again. 

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" 

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
  "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Monday, March 17, 2014

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. 




His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." 

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, and the doctor was moving at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door. 

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out. 

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."

Saturday, March 15, 2014

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena...".

"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?"

"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."

Friday, March 14, 2014

Chloe's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." 

That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?" 

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?" 

The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!" 

The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"
Jane says "No." 

"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor. 

"No." says Jimmy's mom. 

The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?" 

Again Jane says "No." 

"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor. 

"No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin... shouldn't I do something?" 

To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. 

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" 

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." 

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks him, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," says the old man, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks him again, "This happened at night; are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," says the old man, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks him, "Listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

The old man says, "I can see the moon; how far is that?"

Monday, March 10, 2014

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" 

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

Sunday, March 9, 2014

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." 

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" 

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

Friday, March 7, 2014

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. 

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.

The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. 

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?" 

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?" 

The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse. 

"Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. 

The angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into heaven without being detected. 

He queries the first candidate, "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an attorney," comes the reply. "You may enter" says the angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn. 

"My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the angel. "And what instrument did you play?"

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"