"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." 

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" 

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.

Who was the slowest of the ancient Greek philosophers? 

Aristurtle.

Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay, or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands, North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more commonly known as moonshine, in the still of the night, while his wife spent most of her time raising Cane.

Now Lee Wally had a habit that drove everyone to distraction. He carried paper and pencil with him at all times, and he used them to draw aimlessly throughout the day. He drew small designs, circles, squares, zigzag lines, etc. He not only drew when he was relaxing, he also scribbled when he was talking with his neighbors and his family. In short, Lee Wally had a compulsion to draw, and he could not stop.

Now Mary Sue had long since come to terms with Lee Wally’s addiction to scribbling, and the neighbors also had learned to ignore it. Cane, on the other hand, was bothered by his father’s compulsion. It nearly drove him crazy. He just could not stand to watch his pa, Lee Wally, doodle all the day.

Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.

It was not that he couldn't teach - indeed two years ago he'd been honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher - No his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years, and in this day of "Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.

So that day, feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over, so that he could work in his garden. This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects. They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.

He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.And he received a new major grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

The panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse, grabbed the pro by the arm and said, "You have to help! I was on the 9th hole and I hit a terrible slice. The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy riding a motorcycle. He lost control and swerved into the path of a truck. The truck tried to stop but jack-knifed, rolled over and broke apart. It was carrying hundreds of bee hives and now the angry bees are attacking everyone in sight. It's awful! It's a disaster! What should I do?" 

"Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club."

What’s the difference between a miser and a canary? 

One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?" 

"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce.

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" 

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. 

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" 

"Yes, He did," the older man answered. 

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. 

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. 

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" 

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

A friend was giving me the grand tour of his house. The bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls but his wife preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view.

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my friend, "You should be able to sit and reflect."

Why did the inclined plane refuse to divorce the fulcrum? 

He couldn’t lever.

How did the strawberries start their band?

They just got together and jammed.

Why do all Marxists drink imitation tea? 

Because all proper tea is theft.

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? 

Condescending.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

She had three men giving her directions.

When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. 

They were free bees.

What did the prisoner say when he was told by his lawyer that he had gotten a stay of execution?  

"Well, no noose is good noose."

Where do you find giant snails?

On the end of giants' fingers.

Why can’t two doctors be in the same place? 

Because that would be a paradox!

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? 

Because the cow has the udder.

Why are ellipses romantic?

Because a kiss is a lip tickle.