Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay,
or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the
mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands,
North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and
his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more
commonly known as moonshine, in the still of the night, while his wife
spent most of her time raising Cane.
Now Lee Wally had a habit that drove everyone to distraction. He
carried paper and pencil with him at all times, and he used them to draw
aimlessly throughout the day. He drew small designs, circles, squares,
zigzag lines, etc. He not only drew when he was relaxing, he also
scribbled when he was talking with his neighbors and his family. In
short, Lee Wally had a compulsion to draw, and he could not stop.
Now Mary Sue had long since come to terms with Lee Wally’s addiction
to scribbling, and the neighbors also had learned to ignore it. Cane, on
the other hand, was bothered by his father’s compulsion. It nearly
drove him crazy. He just could not stand to watch his pa, Lee Wally,
doodle all the day.
Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a
promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there
was a problem.
It was not that he couldn't teach - indeed two years
ago he'd been honored by the undergraduates by being named their
favorite teacher - No his problem was with his research. He hadn't had
a successful research project in several years, and in this day of
"Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.
So that day,
feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture
was over, so that he could work in his garden. This always had been
effective in relieving tension in the past. But to his chagrin, he found
most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were
infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects. They appeared
to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless.
Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new
vigor. He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article
describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know
result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of
Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted
tenure.And he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
The panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse, grabbed the
pro by the arm and said, "You have to help! I was on the 9th hole and I
hit a terrible slice. The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy
riding a motorcycle. He lost control and swerved into the path of a
truck. The truck tried to stop but jack-knifed, rolled over and broke
apart. It was carrying hundreds of bee hives and now the angry bees are
attacking everyone in sight. It's awful! It's a disaster! What should I
"Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club."
A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa,
as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather
wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to
ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than
that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I
answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do
once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What
can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
A friend was giving me the grand tour of his house. The bathrooms had
excessively mirrored walls but his wife preferred not to look at herself
in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to place a
"modesty plant" so that it obscured the view.
Now I don't think there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the
bathroom. I told my friend, "You should be able to sit and reflect."
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's ass and a car hit me.
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then
arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the
husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he
could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the
hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...