Leather

 

Leather is rated based upon its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides rated "A". 

But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically "D" Hide rated. #lamejoke

Icy

They say 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. I see why. #lamejoke 

Cowboy

Died and came back as a cowboy. I call that reintarnation. #lamejoke

Puppets

Got a couple of sock puppets for sale. Anyone interested in taking them off my hands? #lamejoke 

Daughter

Joey’s daughter had a baby boy and named him Griffin. I suggested that she put a sign up on the entrance to his room. Griffin Door. She huffled and puffed. #lamejoke

Greeter

Joey was just hired as a Walmart people greeter. He’s on Howdy duty. #lamejoke

Bees

I asked for 12 bees. The beekeeper gave me 13. When I asked him why, he said it was a freebie. #lamejoke

Salads

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing. #lamejoke 

Guitar

Later today I will be giving you one of the important lessons in learning how to play guitar. Stay tuned…. #lamejoke

Spam

I was on an online video call when a picture of a can of Spam appeared on my screen. I think it was a Zoom meat tin. #lamejoke

History

In history, AD means after the birth of Christ. B.C. means before Christ. Before B.C.? A. #lamejoke

Circumference

When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough. But 2πr. #lamejoke

Cheese

I always keep a slice of cheese in my back pocket… just in queso. #lamejoke 

Nutritionists

Some guy just yelled at a small village of nutritionists. He went off on a diet tribe. #lamejoke

Knights

I’m sick of long winded fables of brave knights. They tend to dragon. #lamejoke

Treadmill

Elton John got his pet rabbit a treadmill. It’s a little fit bunny. #lamejoke

Chips

The kind of chips cannibals prefer? Free toes. #lamejoke

Lama

If a lama with one L is a holy man, and a llama with two Ls is an animal, what is a three L lama? A big fire in Boston. #lamejoke

Crabs

Americans think they’re cool, but crabs invented the sidewalk. #lamejoke

Treats

I only had Hostess treats with me when I had to force feed a young sheep to eat. Yep, I had to ram a lamb a Ding Dong. #lamejoke 

Bigfoot

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains. #lamejoke 

Frog

They did a blood test on a baby frog to extract its DNA and confirm its heritage. Discovered the frog was 70% British, 20% French, 7% Italian, 2% Dutch, and a tad Pole. #lamejoke

Food

The one food you’d never expect? Soup rice. #lamejoke

Knock

 Dad: Knock knock. 

Son: Who's there? 

Dad: Hike. 

Son: Hike who? 

Dad: Pirates don’t shower before they walk the plank. They just wash up on shore later. #lamejoke

Punchlines

Silly punchlines cheapun the joke. #lamejoke

Motown

I'm almost done telling Motown jokes. I have two or three left in me, four tops. #lamejoke 

Programmer

How does a programmer catch the Easter Bunny? With an ethernet. #lamejoke 

Bread

What hops around and smells like bread? The Yester Bunny. #lamejoke

Vegetable

And you thought nobody was gonna arrive to tell root vegetable jokes here, and then I turnip. #lamejoke

Payment

The pope's preferred payment method? PayPal. #lamejoke

Pirates

Pirates usually pay a buck an ear to get their ears pierced. #lamejoke

Bamboo

Where sarcastic people keep their bamboo? In a pan. Duh. #lamejoke

Eating

If a clown comes to your house and starts eating everything in your fridge, don't get angry. It's all ingest. #lamejoke

Boulder

I discovered a really long boulder while hiking in the desert recently. It was about 1760 yards long. Must be some kind of milestone. #lamejoke 

Contest

The winner of the neck decoration contest? It was a tie. #lamejoke

Records

I'm going to start collecting records. That’s my decision, and it’s vinyl. #lamejoke

Vehicle

The kind of noise a witch’s vehicle makes? Brrrroooom, brrroooom. #lamejoke

Policeman

A policeman retired recently. He gave it a rest. #lamejoke

Insects

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city. It’s a Rome ants novel. #lamejoke

Guillotine

Joey got hired at the guillotine factory. Be heading there tomorrow. #lamejoke 

Pizza

The proper title for a person who makes pizza in a pizzeria? His name is Pete. Pete’s a baker. #lamejoke

Police

Police stopped me and said, “Papers!” So I said, “ Scissors, I WIN!” and drove off. I think he wants a rematch because he’s been chasing me for 20 minutes. #lamejoke

Bees

I asked for twelve bees. The beekeeper gave me thirteen. When I asked him why, he said it was a freebie. #lamejoke 

Orgy

Joey hosted an orgy yesterday. No one came. #lamejoke

Superman

What Superman puts in his drink? Just ice. #lamejoke

Math

Not all math jokes are terrible. Only sum. #lamejoke 

House

Joey's inflatable house got a hole in it, so now he lives in a flat. #lamejoke

Balloons

Although airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control, cases continue to rise. #lamejoke 

Donating

I tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it? Why is it in a bucket? #lamejoke

Date

My wife and I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow we’ll have a fig. #lamejoke 

Airplane

My paper airplane won't fly. It's completely stationary. #lamejoke 

Wife

Joey’s wife keeps complaining about how much she misses him. He’s glad she’s not a better shot. #lamejoke 

Archery

Why the girl who was into archery wanted to date the guy she bought her archery supplies from? He made her quiver. #lamejoke

Blood

Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins. You just have to listen varicosely. #lamejoke

Visit

I can barely remember my last trip to the eye doctor. The whole thing is just a blur. #lamejoke

Creatures

You may have noticed that almost all small garden humanoid creatures have red hats. It’s a little gnome fact. #lamejoke 

Celebrity

The celebrity always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon. #lamejoke 

Cloning

My friend said that he doesn't understand cloning. That makes two of us. #lamejoke 

Gym

I don't mind leg day at the gym. It's just the two days after that I can't stand. #lamejoke

Eyes

What would happen if you put eyes on a tire? Wheel see…. #lamejoke

Sheet

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet. More on this story as it unfolds. #lamejoke

People

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words. #lamejoke

Poet

The bankrupt poet ode everyone. #lamejoke

Telemarketers

The number of telemarketers it takes to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. #lamejoke

Fungi

You have to be very precise when identifying fungi. There’s not mushroom for error. #lamejoke

Elephant

The difference between a place where you go for drinks and an elephant passing gas? One is a bar room. The other is a BA ROOOM!!! #lamejoke

Murderer

A murderer joined our pottery class. He went on a kiln spree. #lamejoke

Competiton

I was in a tracing competition once. It ended in a draw. #lamejoke

Lazy

Joey didn’t like it when his wife told him that he was lazy. It’s not like he did anything. #lamejoke

Book

Writing a book about Big Foot will be no small feat. #lamejoke

Job

Joey just started his new job as an executioner. He’ll be heading there soon. #lamejoke

Motown

I only have two, maybe three good Motown puns in me – four tops. #lamejoke

Action

My new action figure keeps falling over when I put it up on the shelf. It’s so irritating, I can’t stand it. #lamejoke

Asses

There’s a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world! #lamejoke

Carpet

When I told the contractor that I didn't want any carpet on the steps up to the attic, he gave me a blank stair. #lamejoke

Backpack

An Iraqi father wearing a backpack? Bag dad. #lamejoke

Exam

Joey recently took his naval exams. He got seven Cs. #lamejoke

Halloween

There's only one thing I really like about Halloween. Which is….     #lamejoke

Studying

I love studying the stone age. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. #lamejoke

Water

 Listen carefully when you squeeze water from a towel. It has a nice wring to it. #lamejoke

Weekend

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde – just a really bad spell of weather. #lamejoke 

Coal

Joey owned a coal company, but kept it to himself. Mined his own business. #lamejoke

Rigid

My tape measure isn't rigid enough. It just doesn’t measure up. #lamejoke

Milk

Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when you talk to them. Sounds like in one ear and out the udder. #lamejoke 

Potion

Joey claims to have created an age reversal potion. I think he’s kidding himself. #lamejoke

Pirate

The pirate lost his stash. Turns out it was right under his nose all along. #lamejoke

Underwear

Joey went into the lingerie store and asked if the underwear was satin. They said no, it’s brand new. #lamejoke

Witch

I met a dyslexic witch. She can’t spell. #lamejoke 

Cheese

I never understood the part in the song where it says “the cheese stands alone”. I thought cheese lacked toes. #lamejoke

Solipsistic

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? #lamejoke

Alphabet

You've heard of Alphabet Soup? Now get ready for Times New Ramen. #lamejoke 

Church

If you fart in church, you sit in your own pew. #lamejoke 

Argument

Joey had an argument with his daughter. She said she 'can't even' then stormed off. She's been acting quite odd lately. #lamejoke

Words

A lot of French words have crept into the English language. Hors d'oeuvres for starters. #lamejoke

Vase

I went thru several different emotions as I witnessed someone casually holding a priceless ancient Chinese vase above an open top of an underground water retainer. It was overwhelming. #lamejoke

Tepee

I told my wife that we should put a tepee in our backyard with colored lights. "Now is the winter of our disco tent." #lamejoke

Dog

Joey used to have a dog that farted a particular musical note. It was a sharp “A”. #lamejoke

Lice

Once upon a time, a young man developed an itchy head that lasted for days. At his wits end, he finally visited the doctor to be checked for lice. When the examination ended, the doctor broke the news that there were no lice at all, but rather, his head was infested with an army of tiny turtles. This is the story of the tortoise in the hair. #lamejoke

Nose

My buddy wants to get a nose job and asked which one I liked the most, but I didn't say. After all...you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. #lamejoke

Ceiling

My neighbor asked me to help him hang some sheet rock on his hallway ceiling. I said, “Man, that’s screwed up.” #lamejoke 

Jokes

Dad jokes. That’s how eye roll. #lamejoke

Cattle

I have something to say about see-through cattle. Steer clear. #lamejoke

Chickens

Chickens only make one sound because they can’t think outside the bawks. #lamejoke

Restaurant

The busy cannibal restaurant told its customers to order ahead. #lamejoke

Corn

When I woke up this morning, I found that my whole body had turned to corn. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears. #lamejoke

Lumber

I used to work at a lumber yard, but I got board. #lamejoke 

God

My wife said that I look like a Greek god. Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on, you idiot, we’re in a museum!” But I know what she really meant. #lamejoke

Frisbee

Then there’s the one about the ultimate frisbee competition on TV. It’s on the Disc Hovery network. #lamejoke 

Poison

In ancient Rome, there were four kinds of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly, but Poison IV would just make you itch. #lamejoke

Pancakes

I prefer to eat my pancakes raw. They’re just batter that way. #lamejoke

Clowns

Then there's the one about the entire second floor of a hotel that was rented to a group of clowns. It’s a pretty funny story. #lamejoke