A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He
whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery
close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the
showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the
nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he
“Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the
day you bought it.”
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A man goes to his dentist because he feels
something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says,
"That new upper plate I put in for
you six months ago is eroding.
What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is
that about four months ago my
wife made some asparagus and put some
stuff on it that was delicious
... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so
much, I now put it on everything ---
meat, toast, fish, vegetables,
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly
It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new
plate, and this
time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the
To which the dentist replies, "It's
simple. Everyone knows that
... there's no plate like chrome for the
father and his son are hiking in the Grand Canyon. The go around some
bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and
see a Native American sitting on a rock.
The father points to the Native American and says, "Son, Native Americans have the best memory of any people in the world"
young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the Native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."
Without hesitation the Native American responds, "Eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.
Thirty years later, the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail
with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills,
and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same Native American on the same rock.
He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this Native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says, "HOW."
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of
squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This
adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit,
including a tendency for it to eschew jumping, but rather to embrace
running around like its step-siblings.
As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an
identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss
the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its
step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was
generally forlorn. Their response was, … “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the
organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands
to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a
proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss
Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And
now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh
bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet
The corners of Dick's jaw aching in anticipation, he carried it to the
table in his backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped,
suddenly, by his wife.
"Hold Junior (their six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
Dick had him balanced between his left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when he noticed a streak of mustard
on his fingers.
Dick loves mustard. He had no napkin. So, he just licked it right off.
But, It was not mustard!!! No man ever put a baby down faster.
Now you know why they call that mustard: 'Poupon'.
A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is your's raisin too?"
"No," says the old man "....... But its startin' to twitch."