Monday, July 31, 2017

The archaeologist remarked to his assistant that it smelled funny in the pyramid. 

The assistant replied, "Sorry, I passed gas."

The archaeologist responded, "Ah, so did I. I guess we have a toot in common."

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Friday, July 28, 2017

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. 

Can you believe that! 2:30 am! 

Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear. 

The doctor says, "That looks nasty." 

The woman replies, "It's just the tip of the iceberg."

Monday, July 24, 2017

Sunday, July 23, 2017

What do toilet paper and numbers have in common? 

Both can be multiplied.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Bunch of old age pensioners protesting outside the hospital yesterday....

What do we want?

Free hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Free hearing aids!

Friday, July 21, 2017

Thursday, July 20, 2017

What did the body builder get for losing all his muscle? 

A trophy.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Imagine a civilization made up of only bedroom furniture -  bed frames, nightstands, drawers etc. 

One day, this beautiful dresser fell down and couldn't get up. "Help help help!" the dresser cried. 

Then suddenly, this mysterious, strong piece of furniture came to her and helped her up. 

She said, "Thank you! You are my knight in shining armoire."

Monday, July 17, 2017

Why didn't the gardener plant any flowers? 

Because she hadn't botany.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

What was on the floor in the snake's bathroom? 

Rep tile, of course.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

Friday, July 14, 2017

Thursday, July 13, 2017

What did the bride say when the rattlesnake ate her ring? 

I just want my diamond back.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Joey recounted today what he said during his colonoscopy.... 

"Doctor, could you write a note for my wife letting her know my head isn't up there?"

Monday, July 10, 2017

Peaches, the gorilla, escaped from the zoo. 

When they got her back, they had to change her name because she had become an ape re-caught.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver. 

So I spent all that money, and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

Friday, July 7, 2017

How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk? 


Thursday, July 6, 2017

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? 

One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection? 

Because they lactate.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What did Ernie say when Bert wanted to have some of his frozen yogurt? 


Monday, July 3, 2017

Sunday, July 2, 2017

What happens when your can opener breaks? 

It becomes a can't opener.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? 

He was just too far out man.