Friday, July 31, 2015

Why did the marsupial get the job?

He had all the correct koalafications.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

What happens if you swallow a bunch of food coloring?

You dye a little on the inside.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? 

A cockerpoodledoo!

Monday, July 27, 2015

A man goes into a barber’s shop and notices that a little dog is watching the barber intently. 

"That dog seems very interested in what you’re up to," says the man. 

"He’s hoping for a treat," replies the barber sharpening his razor. "If I sneeze he sometimes gets a bit of ear."

Sunday, July 26, 2015

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

Fowl weather.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Where does seaweed look for a job? 

In the ‘Kelp-Wanted’ ads.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Thursday, July 23, 2015

What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?

He called the piano tuna.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I was debating with myself whether or not I should write a paper about experimenting to see which had more mass, a truckload of books or 12 prison inmates. 

After weighing the prose and cons, I decided to go ahead with it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?

A croaking device.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom.

One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-story carp ark.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices. He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.

Friday, July 17, 2015

The boss called Joey into the office.

"We both know you're not the brightest spark here, Joey," he said, "but over the last five years you've never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?"

"Vrooom, vroooom," Joey replied.
My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

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Thursday, July 16, 2015

A door to door salesman was making his rounds. He stops at a house and knocks on the door. 

A little boy of about eight opens the door, cigarette in one hand, bottle of beer in the other. 

"Little boy, is your mummy home?" says the salesman.

The boy replies "What the hell do YOU think?"

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. 

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." 

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. 

Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" 

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Monday, July 13, 2015

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? 

An eskimew.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

What did one DNA say to the other DNA? 

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?


She had mittens.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?

They dropped out of school.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Monday, July 6, 2015

Sunday, July 5, 2015

What does Batman like in his drinks?

Just ice.
Then there was the one about the constipated mathematician....

He worked his problem out with a pencil.

(It was a No. 2 pencil)

Saturday, July 4, 2015

A couple had been married 60 years. Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad . I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."

Friday, July 3, 2015

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.

After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello Sarge.”


"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?”

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped.”

"Have you placed her under arrest?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet".

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Why do candle trimmers work so few days per week?

They only work on wick-ends.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

These two monkeys were chatting over a beer at the end of the day.

The first monkey said, "I heard you quit working for the man with the organ."

The second replied, "Yeah, every day it was the same old grind."