Friday, January 31, 2014

Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? 

It wanted to get to the bottom.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 

Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Monday, January 27, 2014

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

"Nine..."
Why is basketball considered a messy sport?  
 
Because the players dribble on the floor!


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Did you hear about the monster with five legs? 
 
His pants fit him like a glove.


Saturday, January 25, 2014

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Did you ever hear about the movie "Constipation"? 
 
It never came out....


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his hometown, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. 

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he broke wind stentorously.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. 

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?" 

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." 

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. 

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return." 

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." 

"Was it a long time ago?" 

"Yes, many years." 

The clerk asked, "Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"

Monday, January 20, 2014

Sunday, January 19, 2014

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?  
 
A thesaurus.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Friday, January 17, 2014

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Did you hear the one about the sick juggler? 
 
He couldn't stop throwing up!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

What do you call a three-footed aardvark? 
 
A yaardvark!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? 

An offer you can't understand.


Sunday, January 12, 2014

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 

Tentacles.


What do you call a bee that lives in America? 

A USB.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? 

He pasta way.


Friday, January 10, 2014

Thursday, January 9, 2014

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? 
 
Nobody nose.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Monday, January 6, 2014

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louis-ville." They went on arguing and arguing until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. 

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." 

The waitress says, "Bur-ger-King."

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — chicken soup.

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.” 

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”

Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: “A-ha!”

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Friday, January 3, 2014

A family took their frail elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real so he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for words for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?!?'"

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native guide that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. 

In the distance, they could hear drums. "What is that drumming? he asked nervously.

The native replied, "Drums okay, but if they stop, that would be very bad."

The drums continued for three days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning, the drums suddenly stopped.

With panic in his voice, the missionary called out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands, and, with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."