Wednesday, February 29, 2012

How many letters are there in the alphabet?

Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. “This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don’t like educated people.”

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too.

It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle.

The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got “minus pi times r square.”

He didn’t like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated.

He gave the class a frightened look and heard all the plumbers whisper, “Switch the limits of the integral!!”

Monday, February 27, 2012

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, “What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

Because if it were small, white, and smooth, it would be an aspirin.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look, I'm changing.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over and says, "So where have YOU been?"

"Why I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," say the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did indeed," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that your wife fell out of your car a few intersections back?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a moment there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why is it best NOT to go with your gut feeling when you're taking the S.A.T.?

You'll score lower intestine.

Monday, February 20, 2012

If athletes get athletes' foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Saturday, February 18, 2012

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.

The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

She replied, "No just up to my chin.”

Friday, February 17, 2012

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes , RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone , and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman with the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now, give me back my dog."

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The first expedition to Alpha Centauri had finally returned. The leader of the expedition, Captain Jones, was making his report to his superior.

“So, Jones, did you find any indigenous life?”

“Yes sir. Intelligent life, in fact. And what’s more, they were almost completely identical to humans, except for one thing.”

“Almost? What do you mean?”

“Well sir, they have one less joint in their arms.”

“I see. So, I suppose you could say that…”

“Yes sir, The natives are wristless.”

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Sometimes there’s not much work around. In times like these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists.

One day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The older one says, “Just between you and me, I’ve been moonlighting lately as a medium.”

The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. “Really?” he says. “I didn’t know that you were psychic!”

“Well, to tell you the truth, I’m not,” confesses the older man. “But what I did was rent a storefront and bought a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then, when people come in, I throw my voice and they think that they’re talking to their dead relatives.”

“What a great idea!” says the young ventriloquist.

“You should try it too,” suggests the first man. “You’ll see, it works great.”

The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban. He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across from the ventriloquist and asks him, “Can you put me in touch with my long-lost husband?”

“I sure can!” he answers. “Why, for just a hundred dollars, you can hear your husband speak to you from behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you that his voice might sound a little different, but that’s because he’s talking to you from the spirit world.”

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman eagerly.

“For a hundred and fifty dollars,” the ventriloquist says, “you could have a two-way conversation with your husband, and talk back and forth with him.”

The woman’s voice rises in anticipation as she asks, “You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear departed Hubert?”

“Not only that,” says the ventriloquist, getting just as excited as the woman, “but for two hundred dollars, you could actually carry on a two-way conversation with your husband while I’m drinking a glass of water!”

Monday, February 13, 2012

A witch doctor kept the members of his tribe in virtual subjugation by means of his powerful magic. Whenever one of the tribespeople tried to revolt against the witch doctor, the tyrant would utter a magic incantation and turn that person into an apple.

One night a group of the doctor's desperate subjects sneaked into his hut, opened his book of magic recipes, and learned the apple incantation. When the doctor awoke, the people turned him into an apple.

But the magic book informed the people that, if the apple ever dried out and changed significantly in weight, the apple would change back into a doctor, who would take his revenge.

So every day they would place the apple on a scale to make sure that its weight remained the same.

And, of course, the moral to the story is:

A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces the Pinot wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine varietal as Pinot More.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A drunk sees a man looking under the hood of his car. "Wassup?" says the drunk.

The man says, "Piston broke."

"Yeah," says the drunk. "Me, too."

Friday, February 10, 2012

An very small alien space ship lands beside a large bottle of coke.

A little green man climbs out and says to the bottle, "Take me, you're two litre."

Thursday, February 9, 2012

We are all used to the conveniences of modern banks. While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon.

Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking.

So really, credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a giant white shark?


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Why do radio announcers need to have small hands?

Wee Paws for Station Identification.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeasts wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills.

They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance.

One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said, "That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

And then there was the story about the five young bulls who were standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up.

The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.

The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.

The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.

The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.

The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was accidentally cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, prompting a heckler to shout, "Don't worry, Freddy. ... It's just a stage you're going through!"

Friday, February 3, 2012

On a rainy day, at the end of the play, what does the director say?

It's over cast.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied:

"You just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Where can you get a good book on trees?

At a branch library.