Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Saturday, September 16, 2017

So, this snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "How'd you do that?"

Friday, September 1, 2017

So, a miner and a chemist walk into a geology convention. They approach a table displaying a wide assortment of rocks. 

The chemist points in the booth's direction and asks the miner, "Which is your favorite? Cinnabar or cassiterite?" 

The miner thought for a moment and replied, "Either ore."

Thursday, August 31, 2017

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? 

A satisfactory.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Monday, August 28, 2017

What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? 

They’re both red except for the green one.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

A friend called me last night, quite confused, to say a couple of sausages hit him on the head on the way home from the pub. 

"That's nothing!" I replied. "I got hit by four steaks, two pork chops and a leg of lamb."

"What could it be?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"

Friday, August 25, 2017

What do you call a doctor who takes care of whales teeth? 

An orcadontist.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

What happened when the escalator broke down? 

Everyone stopped and staired.

Monday, August 21, 2017

What do you call sandwich meat if you put it on your lower leg? 

Below knee.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Saturday, August 19, 2017

What's the best way to install a toilet relative to the wall? 

Flush.

Friday, August 18, 2017

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains." 

"Pull yourself together, man."

Thursday, August 17, 2017

What show do cows love to watch while they're eating?

Graze Anatomy.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which work position would it work? 

The crust station.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

How do billboards talk to each other? 

They use sign language.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Where do people go to learn to make ice cream? 

Sundae school.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Saturday, August 12, 2017

If a father asked his child if he would like a tropical fruit, what would the kid say? 

Papa, ya.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Why don't bakers throw away dough? 

Because they're gonna knead it later.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

What do you call the Russian monarch of canyons? 

Czar Chasm.

Monday, August 7, 2017

What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans? 

A brews.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

This pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."

"Count 'em again, doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

Saturday, August 5, 2017

What kind of sports car do broke people drive? 

A Poorsche.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Why don't they put advertisements on The Hulk? 

He's basically a giant banner.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Why was the large vegetable sad after his baseball game? 

He realized he was a meaty-okra athlete.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Monday, July 31, 2017

The archaeologist remarked to his assistant that it smelled funny in the pyramid. 

The assistant replied, "Sorry, I passed gas."

The archaeologist responded, "Ah, so did I. I guess we have a toot in common."

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Friday, July 28, 2017

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. 

Can you believe that! 2:30 am! 

Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear. 

The doctor says, "That looks nasty." 

The woman replies, "It's just the tip of the iceberg."

Monday, July 24, 2017

Sunday, July 23, 2017

What do toilet paper and numbers have in common? 

Both can be multiplied.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Bunch of old age pensioners protesting outside the hospital yesterday....

What do we want?

Free hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Free hearing aids!

Friday, July 21, 2017

Thursday, July 20, 2017

What did the body builder get for losing all his muscle? 

A trophy.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Imagine a civilization made up of only bedroom furniture -  bed frames, nightstands, drawers etc. 

One day, this beautiful dresser fell down and couldn't get up. "Help help help!" the dresser cried. 

Then suddenly, this mysterious, strong piece of furniture came to her and helped her up. 

She said, "Thank you! You are my knight in shining armoire."

Monday, July 17, 2017

Why didn't the gardener plant any flowers? 

Because she hadn't botany.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

What was on the floor in the snake's bathroom? 

Rep tile, of course.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

Friday, July 14, 2017

Thursday, July 13, 2017

What did the bride say when the rattlesnake ate her ring? 

I just want my diamond back.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Joey recounted today what he said during his colonoscopy.... 

"Doctor, could you write a note for my wife letting her know my head isn't up there?"

Monday, July 10, 2017

Peaches, the gorilla, escaped from the zoo. 

When they got her back, they had to change her name because she had become an ape re-caught.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver. 

So I spent all that money, and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

Friday, July 7, 2017

How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk? 

Toucans.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? 

One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection? 

Because they lactate.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What did Ernie say when Bert wanted to have some of his frozen yogurt? 

Sherbert.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Sunday, July 2, 2017

What happens when your can opener breaks? 

It becomes a can't opener.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? 

He was just too far out man.

Friday, June 30, 2017

How do you make a slow worker fast? 

Don't give him anything to eat for a while.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? 

Nothing :(

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Joey was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands were slippery with sweat, and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes.

No ambulances were available so he called a toe truck, but they got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached.

He couldn’t walk right, so he could not work. He got workman's comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation.

He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he might find an answer. It said, "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters."

Having nothing to lose, he followed the instructions and reached the glade. There was a line drawn that said, "Wait here." 

And wait he did for over an hour.

Just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice.

So Jim related his tale of toe woes.

After listening, the many toed toad replied, "Have you tried the supermarket?"

Joey wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it.

The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them.

He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and Joey ran off (little did Joey know that the toad croaked soon after).

He was able to walk normally again, his wife came back, he got his job back, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The punch line?

It's over there on the table.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture? 

A drawer.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Sunday, June 25, 2017

A man is washing his car with his son.

The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Friday, June 23, 2017

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

What is Australian dynamite's favorite pie? 

Boom meringue.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Monday, June 19, 2017

What did the sheep say when he broke up with his girlfriend? 

It's not ewe, it's me.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

How much does a bottled soft drink cost? 

About a dollar a pop, soda speak.

Friday, June 16, 2017

What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar? 

You clothes it.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Why did the geologist go home early from work? 

Because he felsic.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

What do you call a dirty window on the back side of a house? 

A pane in the rear to clean.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? 

That's mitosis.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Sunday, June 11, 2017

What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy asked if he wanted a pamphlet? 

Brochure.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

What do you call the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure? 

The Toyminator.

Friday, June 9, 2017

What did the banana car do when the traffic signal turned green?

It peeled out.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

What did one sponge say to the other sponge? 

Nothing. They were two aloofa.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.

In its place, was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.

He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.

He was thrilled.

The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The swami knew exactly why he had come.

The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery....and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.

The moral to this story is: "Don't screw around with things you don't understand........you could lose your ass."

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

What do you call an evil man with two belly buttons? 

Di-umbilical.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? 

Because he had a very large bill.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

What do New Englanders call a crate full of dentures? 

A mass of chew sets.

Friday, June 2, 2017

It's a little known fact that Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack. 

His name was Tim.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

What do you call a mushroom you can take anywhere?

A portable-o.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Monday, May 29, 2017

Joey took his seven year old son to the zoo yesterday. 

While they were walking around, he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!”

Joey was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at them. “What did you just call it?” he asked.

“It's a frickin' elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said. 

And so it did: A F R I C A N Elephant.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Saturday, May 27, 2017

One day, a boy was playing with his friends when they got into an argument.

His friend finally said, "Oh yeah! I hear your mom likes giant purple flasters!"

Confused, the young boy went home. In the kitchen, he saw his mom and he asked her, "Mom. What is a purple flaster?"

His mom blushed and got angry. "Where did you hear that? Don't ever ask me that again! If you want to know go ask your father!"

Now, really confused, the boy goes to the garage and finds his father. "Dad, I asked mom a question but she said I should talk to you. What's a purple flaster?"

His dad blushes and says, "Who told you about that.... you shouldn't be asking me that.... if you want to know about that you should go talk to Father Flanagan at the church."

So the boy jumps on his bike and rides to the church. He goes inside and finds Father Flanagan. "Father I am really confused. I asked Mom and Dad about purple flasters but they got mad and wouldn't tell me. They said I should talk to you about it."

Father Flanagan replied, "Ah, dear boy, you are too young to know about such things... come back in a year and I will tell you all about it."

So the boy, still confused, jumps on his bike and heads for home. As he crosses the street.... BAM! He gets hit by a truck.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Why can't two elephants go swimming? 

Because they only have one pair of trunks.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Why do chemists love nitrates so much? 

Because they are cheaper than dayrates.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

What did the newspaper say about Pete Townshend's schnoz? 

Who nose.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

There are some things I really like.

Like infomercials.

But wait, there's more.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Saturday, May 20, 2017

What's a chicken's favorite game in  the pool? 

Marco Pollo.

Friday, May 19, 2017

What's a dog's favorite game to play in the pool? 

Barko polo.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

How did the people behind the latest computer hack escape? 

They ransomware.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, two! One, two! One, two! 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Not just me. You are too.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Thursday, May 11, 2017

This therapist had a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. 
So he tested it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raised their hands, each of them grinning widely. 
“Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raised their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. 
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly went up. Then he asked, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumped up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. 
The therapist was shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asked, “why are you so happy?”
The man yelled, “Today’s the day!”

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Monday, May 8, 2017

Why didn't anyone want to go to the local tailor? 

Because he seamed like he was incompetent.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Sometimes I have a hard time telling people "No".

In fact, one of my friends gave me a mini-lecture about my inability say "No", and then told me that I really need to choose my "Noes".

To which, I, of course, responded, "No, rhinoplasty is too expensive!"

Thursday, May 4, 2017

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

You can't sew a zipper on a mosquito.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

The preacher replied, "Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

What's the proper way to address a hippie's wife? 

Mississippi.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Sunday, April 30, 2017

The use of capital letters can really change the meaning of a sentence. 

For example: 

I like to eat pancakes. 

I like to eat capital letters.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Friday, April 28, 2017

What's it called when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week? 

Ogretime.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

What's the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts? 

Hole Foods.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

How do you get in contact with a Greek architect? 

You column.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What do you call a group of bovine running from their problems? 

Cow herds.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

What's the first dinosaur you see in the morning? 

The Crackodon.

Friday, April 21, 2017

What should you do if you're being chased by a sarcophagus? 

Throw a throat lozenge at it. That will make the coffin stop.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

What do you call it when a pig gets air sickness? 

Swine flew.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Monday, April 17, 2017

Sunday, April 16, 2017

What do you call a wasp that dresses in yellow and black?

A wanna bee.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I got to have lunch with the world chess champion recently. 

It took him twenty minutes to pass the salt though. 

And he didn't pick up the check, mate,

Friday, April 14, 2017

What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?

Do you even carrot all?

Thursday, April 13, 2017

What did the film teacher tell his students? 

You need to focus.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Joey took his grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 

He said that it was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

What did the cannibal order at the Chinese restaurant? 

Chow man.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Friday, April 7, 2017

A giant light bulb walks into a bar. 

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! What's the big idea?"

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Why was the pirate such a good boxer? 

He had a great right hook.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

A cosmetic company has finally discovered the leading cause of dry skin. 

It's towels.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Joey's wife was complaining that he didn't listen to her anymore. 

Joey replied, "No thanks, I've just had one."

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Why do basic white girls make terrible math tutors? 

Because they literally can't even.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 

A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice! 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am. But I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Friday, March 31, 2017

A quick guide on "How To Fall Downstairs":

Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be? 

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Why does Lex Luthor carry around a gun and a spoon wherever he goes? 

In case he ever meets soup or man.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

What do you call a band made of psychoanalysts? 

Pink Freud.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Why did Mike Tyson send his lemonade back? 

It tasted like pith.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Why did the pirates stop playing chess? 

Because it was getting stale, matey.

Friday, March 24, 2017

What do marsupials prefer to drink instead of water? 

Any kind of koala tea drink.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

What do you call a driver that's never been in an accident? 

Wreckless.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Monday, March 20, 2017

What do you call a section of musicians who refuse to play? 

A non-violin protest.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Why did Thor only invite his brother to his party? 

He wanted to keep it low key.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

What did the tree say after a long winter? 

What a re-leaf!

Friday, March 17, 2017

How does a Lego man measure his shoe-size? 

In square feet

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Why was the religious chef sacked from the ice-cream parlor? 

He refused to work on sundaes.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Monday, March 13, 2017

Have you ever heard of Murphy's law?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Have you ever heard of Cole's law? 

It's just thinly sliced cabbage

Sunday, March 12, 2017

How did the typewriter know it was pregnant?

It skipped a period.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

What did the Italian dish say when asked why it couldn't get into the house?

Gnocchi.

Friday, March 10, 2017

There have been years of analysis by mainframe computers but it was a humble supermarket self checkout which finally unlocked the secrets of how dogs communicate with each other. 

Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Why did the bird cross the kitchen? 

To Eat! To Eat! To Eat!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

How do you make an Escalade? 

Two cups of water, two tablespoons of sugar, and one freshly squeezed escal.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I went to the zoo yesterday and, can you believe it, I saw eight large baguettes in a cage! 

The zoo keeper told me they were bread in captivity.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist!"

Sunday, March 5, 2017

What's the point of the ethernet?

To catch the ether bunny.


Saturday, March 4, 2017

Friday, March 3, 2017

Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on?

The dog was a little husky.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

What do you call an animal that only walks in straight lines?

Not turnal.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Why was the wrist afraid of the watch? 

The watch was a total Seiko.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Friday, February 24, 2017

What do you call a baker with codependency issues? 

Kneady.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Why aren't Greek yogurt and American yogurt the same? 

They come from different cultures.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sunday, February 19, 2017

It's difficult to say what Joey's wife does for a living.

She sells seashells at the seashore.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Sir Blanc was a knight who had three squires.

The first was kidnapped by bandits, the second was knocked out during a battle and captured by the enemy. 

The third, thinking that this life was too dangerous, ran away. 

In the morning the knight found an nearly empty sheet of parchment. 

The only thing written on it was: "This page intentionally left Blanc"

Friday, February 17, 2017

Thursday, February 16, 2017

What did the elephant do when he got a rash? 

He went to the pachyderm-atologist.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

How often should you wear gloves in the winter? 

Intermittenly.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Why was the desert plateau embarrassed? 

Its butte was exposed.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

What do Amtrak conductors have to do before they can work on the job? 

Train.

Friday, February 10, 2017

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. 

After dinner, the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” 

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Which brand of computers do Harry Potter fans prefer? 

HP.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Monday, February 6, 2017

Every morning an old miner went to work, picked up his pickaxe and didn't think much about it. 

Years pass, and he just goes to work, takes his pickaxe and never thinks much about it. 

One morning he goes to work, but his pickaxe isn't there, it's gone. 

He sighes, and thinks to himself, "All these years, I took this pickaxe for granite."

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Saturday, February 4, 2017

What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? 

They get their masters.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Joey's father had a messed up sense of humor. 

He loved to tell Joey and his siblings stories before bed. 

His favorite was the classic Peter Pan. 

But somehow every time at the end he found a new way for Captain Hook to win and gruesomely kill Peter. 

Luckily, Joey didn't inherit his deadpan sense of humor.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

....

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

How to you tell a male ant from a female ant?

Throw them in a bucket of water.

If it floa