An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
Joey was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands were slippery with sweat, and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes.
No ambulances were available so he called a toe truck, but they got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached.
He couldn’t walk right, so he could not work. He got workman's comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation.
He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he might find an answer. It said, "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters."
Having nothing to lose, he followed the instructions and reached the glade. There was a line drawn that said, "Wait here."
And wait he did for over an hour.
Just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice.
So Jim related his tale of toe woes.
After listening, the many toed toad replied, "Have you tried the supermarket?"
Joey wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it.
The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them.
He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and Joey ran off (little did Joey know that the toad croaked soon after).
He was able to walk normally again, his wife came back, he got his job back, and everyone lived happily ever after.
One day, a boy was playing with his friends when they got into an argument.
His friend finally said, "Oh yeah! I hear your mom likes giant purple flasters!"
Confused, the young boy went home. In the kitchen, he saw his mom and he asked her, "Mom. What is a purple flaster?"
His mom blushed and got angry. "Where did you hear that? Don't ever ask me that again! If you want to know go ask your father!"
Now, really confused, the boy goes to the garage and finds his father. "Dad, I asked mom a question but she said I should talk to you. What's a purple flaster?"
His dad blushes and says, "Who told you about that.... you shouldn't be asking me that.... if you want to know about that you should go talk to Father Flanagan at the church."
So the boy jumps on his bike and rides to the church. He goes inside and finds Father Flanagan. "Father I am really confused. I asked Mom and Dad about purple flasters but they got mad and wouldn't tell me. They said I should talk to you about it."
Father Flanagan replied, "Ah, dear boy, you are too young to know about such things... come back in a year and I will tell you all about it."
So the boy, still confused, jumps on his bike and heads for home. As he crosses the street.... BAM! He gets hit by a truck.
The moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table.The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice! The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.Still, the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am. But I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said,"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't
step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck
is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely
ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"