Thursday, January 31, 2013

This guy asked a girl out to the prom. 

The day of the prom, he goes to a tailor to get a new suit - there was a long line. 

Next, he went to a limo service to rent a limo - there was an even longer line there. 

Next, he went to a flower shop to get the girl a batch of roses before picking her up - there was an even longer line there. 

He picks her up and we go to the prom, there is a line at the entrance. 

They go to the photo shoot to get a photo together, there is a line there too. 

They get hungry and decide to get food, there is a line there as well. 

They get thirsty, there is no punchline.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

One employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?"

"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A man walks into a bar with a salamander. 

The bartender notices and asks, “What's its name?” 

The man replies, “Tiny.” 

“Why'd you name him that?” the bartender asked. 

The man replies, “Because he's my newt.”

Monday, January 28, 2013

Sunday, January 27, 2013

There are two types of people in this world. 

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

What did Satan say when he started to go bald?

There's going to be hell toupee!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Thursday, January 24, 2013

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Monday, January 21, 2013

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

Sunday, January 20, 2013

A grandfather is talking to his grandson. “You know in the good old days, you could go to a store with a quarter, and get a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, a watermelon, and a brand new bike. But today, you can’t do that, nope,........there are just way too many surveillance cameras."

Saturday, January 19, 2013

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. 

The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. 

When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. 

Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

Friday, January 18, 2013

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. 

After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?" 

The boy shook his head, "No." 

"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk. 

The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Two goldfish are in a tank. 

One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

How do you spot a vegan at a party? 

Don’t worry they’ll tell you.

Monday, January 14, 2013

This guy is captured by cannibals.

Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.

Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “Hey, either kill me or eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache. 

The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it. 

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A customer walks into a computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."

After a moment the clerk replied, "Have you tried Windows 2000?"

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

What’s a novel?

Well, you see, it’s kind of a long story....

Monday, January 7, 2013

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance, and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"

"Simple," answered the lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."

The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the lawyer.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Friday, January 4, 2013

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Oink oink.

Oink oink who?

Make up your mind, are you a pig or an owl?!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. 

"No, you idiot!" The man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. 

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" 

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Knock knock.

Who's there?


Cash who?

No thanks, but I would like a peanut.