Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..."

"Whoa. Slow down there fellow. What makes you think you need all these organ transplants?" asked the doctor.

"Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job, I needed to get reorganized."

Monday, January 30, 2012

It has just come to light that residents who live near the Indianapolis Speedway, home of the Indy 500 auto race, plan to file a suit over foul-smelling exhaust fumes from the track.

They are seeking damages for Indy scent exposure.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

My cousin is in a bad spot. He has a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he’ll lose his hearing on that side. He has no insurance and the cost is WAY too much for him.

He does have a way out, though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation — but only if he’ll marry her, afterwards. She’s 50 years older than he is!

You could call it a wife or deaf situation….

Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for market. The barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull.

His prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't wholesale him or retail him.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Jimmy replied, "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Monday, January 23, 2012

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.

A little girl raised her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must have been scary”, said the teacher. “It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…. And before he could say “Fuck”, the Rottweiler ate him.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

A old Texas rancher was drawing up his will so that he might provide for his three boys when he passed away. He decided to divide his land up evenly among them.

His wife suggested that he name the land "The Focus Ranch."

"Why should I do that, my love?"

"Because it is where the sons raise meat."

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Friday, January 20, 2012

Thursday, January 19, 2012

During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy.

"I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room. She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.

“Sit, Fluffy,” she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.

“I said sit, now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Damn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!” Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, “Pardon me, I’ve just washed my hare, and can’t do a thing with it!”

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes.

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth, a New York surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Monday, January 16, 2012

A man was hailed into court for dumping trash in a forbidden area. The judge asked, "Didn't you see the sign posted there?”

"Yes sir, I sure did," replied the man. "It says real plain in big letters 'FINE FOR DUMPING'!’”

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Saturday, January 14, 2012

What is the definition of a gold digger?

A woman who doesn't like a man's company unless he owns it.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Two friends were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

One of the guys, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Two young women on rigid diets were watching the gifts being unwrapped at a wedding reception when one of them said, ”What they really need is gift certificates from the grocery store.”

Her friend replied, ”Catering service for a year would be even better.”

”Yes,” the first woman conceded with a sigh, ”but wouldn’t that be postponing the inedible?”

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A computer buff rigged the lawn mowers at his home and place of business so he could operate them by remote control. Halfway through his next vacation, his wife asked, ”Did you remember to mow the lawns this week?”

”Yes, dear,” he replied, ”I modem yesterday.”

Monday, January 9, 2012

I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group.

It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Why are most monkeys not interested in politics?

They're ape-olitical.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

“Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time. We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope.”

“Fear not, my King” said Merlin. “I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!”

“Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you’ve lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character… It cannot be done” said Arthur.

“Trust me, my King” said Merlin. “I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant.”

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger — their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A man was out walking a dog, when a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.

"How .... odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment, and for swine flu you need oinkment.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.

He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because she had become … a real nightmare.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Monday, January 2, 2012

Last night, Virginia executed another prisoner. For the first time in four years, the electric chair was used.

One of the media witnesses talking about the prisoner in his last moments, stated that the condemned "...didn't show any resistance."

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…..something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” Asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”