Saturday, October 31, 2015

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door!

Friday, October 30, 2015

John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic with Jennifer in tears. They were just told that she could not become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. 

They were on their way home when suddenly a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. 

"Why are you masked?" John asked. 

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal," the masked man answered. "Go to the address on this card," he instructed the couple. "The doctor will take a scraping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have a baby for you." 

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer excitedly exclaimed. She then turned to thank the stranger, but he was gone. 

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. 

John answered, "That was the Clone Arranger."

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Why is a proctologist like a magician? 

They are both masters of deceit.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
Look at the orange mama laid.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

How do you share 355 cherries among 113 people?
Make cherry pi. (355/113 = 3.14)

Monday, October 26, 2015

If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?

The Lone Ranger

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. 

But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, he usually wears a three pea suit.

Friday, October 23, 2015

I was in the elevator one day with another fellow who was carrying a power strip. 

"How are you today?" I asked. 

He was upset, it turned out, over small troubles concerning his teenager. 

"Well," I told him, "at least you have an outlet."

Thursday, October 22, 2015

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. 

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" 

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now, let us spray!"

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be flying in there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

This weekend, while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

“Danny,” I said going up to him, “I didn’t know you were a collector!”

“I’m not,” he replied.

“Oh,” I said, “You’re buying a gift, then.”

“No, not at all,” my friend responded.

“If you don’t mind my asking then, Danny,” I said, “Why are you standing in this line?”

“Oh that,” he answered. “It’s like this,” my friend stated, “I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”

Monday, October 19, 2015

Joey's wife was in labor with their first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Didn't, wouldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" asked Joey.

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Sunday, October 18, 2015

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died. 
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. 

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!" 

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" 

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind. 

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. 

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. 

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Friday, October 16, 2015

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Cuz everyone was a goblin.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

What is the difference between a sad ghost and a cow with a sore throat? 

One boos sadly, the other moos badly!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil.

“Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

“What happened?” ask Phil. 

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?” 

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

Sunday, October 11, 2015

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked. 

"They’re so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night." 

"How do you put up with it?" 

"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."

Saturday, October 10, 2015

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair  and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
Dad thought about that for a moment and then replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Friday, October 9, 2015

During a science lesson, the second grade teacher picked up a magnet and said to her class, "My name begins with the letter M, and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy answered, "You're a mommy."

Thursday, October 8, 2015

In what legal venue would a rabbit seek to settle a dispute over where it is allowed to eat or defecate?

A Pellet Court.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

A young woman, who was forever going on diets to no avail, was sure that her latest plan would result in a quick loss of many pounds, but her mother was far less confident, pending the actual outcome. 

Her mother’s attitude?

Wait. Watch Her.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Monday, October 5, 2015

When fish in China have difficulty spawning, the fertility clinic makes them watch and listen to an educational videotape.

This is known as Audio Fishual in Salmon Asian.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

What did the Boy Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bicycle?

Beep repaired.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?

He was afraid to work without Annette.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The brash, amateur magician said he could easily do the 'Catch the Bullet Between His Teeth' trick.

That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off.