Friday, October 31, 2014

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost. 

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer dashes to his studio, develops the film and…learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

You see, the spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. 

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

So there’s this slightly introverted high school student who has never asked a girl to a dance. It’s his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom. He musters up the courage to ask one of his friends. She says yes…… Now he has to prepare for the dance.

The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line……… So he waits, and waits, and waits, and finally gets the tickets.

The following day, he goes with his date to get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door…….. So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress. 

After this, they go to mens outfitters to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door……. So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit.

The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line…….. So he waits, and waits, and waits until he gets his order in.

Now it’s the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo. He calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go there. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner…….. He waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he is lucky enough to get the very last limo.

Now it’s the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom…….. So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, they get to the front and both pass their drug tests.

The dance is going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really has to go to the bathroom. So he takes off to go and sees this huge line going out of the bathroom…….. He waits, and waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business.

When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date. She has just randomly passed out. Someone says to him, “Hey, you’re her date; go get her some punch.” So he goes over to the punch table and………thank goodness…..there is no punch line.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "Do you have anything for wind?" 

So he gave me a kite. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Ima pile-up.

Ima pile-up who?

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself...

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Saturday, October 25, 2014

I watched a dog get killed by a cantaloupe someone threw out of a window.

So, needless to say, the whole situation was melancholy.

Friday, October 24, 2014

After ten drinks, Elmo was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road. 

He thought it would probably be safer to make the basket at home.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Then there was the one about the scientist who was doing an experiment with liquid chemicals and trying to solve a problem. 

As it turns out, he fell in and became part of the solution.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Saran Wrap. 

The shrink says, ”Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. 

When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” 

She replied, “A can of peaches.” 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied five.

The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.” 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

Monday, October 20, 2014

Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay, or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands, North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more commonly known as moonshine, in the still of the night, while his wife spent most of her time raising Cane.

Now Lee Wally had a habit that drove everyone to distraction. He carried paper and pencil with him at all times, and he used them to draw aimlessly throughout the day. He drew small designs, circles, squares, zigzag lines, etc. He not only drew when he was relaxing, he also scribbled when he was talking with his neighbors and his family. In short, Lee Wally had a compulsion to draw, and he could not stop.

Now Mary Sue had long since come to terms with Lee Wally’s addiction to scribbling, and the neighbors also had learned to ignore it. Cane, on the other hand, was bothered by his father’s compulsion. It nearly drove him crazy. 

He just could not stand to watch his pa, Lee Wally, doodle all the day.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Did you hear they found new evidence of the missing link? 

Hopefully it’s not just another fossil arm.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." 

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

What do you get when you cross a flower with a pickle? 

A daffodill.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

How did the ancient Romans communicate with their hogs?

Pig Latin.

Monday, October 13, 2014

What do you call two spiders that just got married? 


Friday, October 10, 2014

How do you stop a werewolf from chasing you?

Throw a stick and say fetch!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?  


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? 

No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

Monday, October 6, 2014

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? 

All the goo has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

What happened to the guy who couldn't make his payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? 

The girl necks door.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was the geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Recently the first draft of the Book of Genesis was discovered. 

It begins:

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. 

And God said, 'Let there be light.' 

And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."