Sunday, August 31, 2014

A group of astronauts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronauts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad. After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

Saturday, August 30, 2014

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, but he needs to give it a good twist at the end.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Dr. Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes, why yellow?" cries the stupefied Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano."

Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" 

Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. 

"First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

On her 40th birthday a wife waltzed out of the bedroom dressed in an old outfit that she dug out of the back of the closet. 

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," she said to her husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy her some new clothes as a present. 

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old." 

(He is expected to be discharged from the hospital next week but he will always walk with a limp).

Monday, August 25, 2014

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. 

His response was, "Yes, Sir!" 

Since he was talking to his mother, she was surprised he'd called her "Sir". 

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. 

To quiz him on this lesson she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" 

"Yes Sir!" was the reply. 

"Then what would you say to Mama?" 

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?" 

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for his uncle's golf game. 

"You have to count my strokes," his uncle told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five." answered the nephew. 

"Okay," the uncle said, "let's go."

Saturday, August 23, 2014

An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" 

She didn't answer. 

He walked up closer and asked again. 

But there was no answer. 

Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "For the third time, yes!!!"

Friday, August 22, 2014

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? 

She's got that down in the mouth look!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. 

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." 

The son pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?

The purrpatrator.

Monday, August 18, 2014

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. 

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. 

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Sunday, August 17, 2014

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Saturday, August 16, 2014

During a science class on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate liquid stage. He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a car's windshield to form ice. 

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting "dry ice" as the answer. 

One of the students blurted out, "Burritos."

Friday, August 15, 2014

Aunt Nellie and her nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in Aunt Nellie's garden. 

Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his aunt. 

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," Nellie said. "He's not an earthworm." 

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

Thursday, August 14, 2014

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. 

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" 

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." 

"You sell them here?" the customer asks. 

"Only $4 apiece," says Green. 

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. 

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. 

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" 

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What did the windmill say when she met her favorite movie star?

"Nice to meet you. I'm a BIG FAN!"

Monday, August 11, 2014

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now, class,” she said, “what shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a new boy friend?” a kid replied.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?

Something catchy!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Saturday, August 2, 2014

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was. 

"Hoss." said Willie. 

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam." 

"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."

Friday, August 1, 2014

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. 

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?" 

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" 

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" 

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" 

"No way. It's just too risky!" 

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" 

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" 

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't." 


Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"