Monday, February 29, 2016

Who is responsible for a child’s moral education? 

It's apparent, isn't it?

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Before she got the gig on Wheel of Fortune, Vanna White tried to get a similar job at the Scrabble factory. 

They didn't have much turnover so they wooden letter even apply.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

What was the Shakespeare play about the seasonal office worker who had a bladder problem?

"The Temp Pissed."

Friday, February 26, 2016

An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day, "“I can’'t stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief?"

The squaw answered, "”’'It is but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief.”

Thursday, February 25, 2016

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Joey's wife has been missing for a week and the police told him to prepare for the worst.

He went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The last time I went for a job interview, the interviewer said to me, “According to your resume, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s correct.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

“No," I said, "but it was quick.”

Monday, February 22, 2016

Why was the little ink drop crying?

Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fall forwards, they'll still be in the boat.

Friday, February 19, 2016

A Spanish-speaking magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos... " POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foiled again!”

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. 

The judge asked “First offender?”

She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”

Monday, February 15, 2016

What did the boy boat say to the girl boat? 

“Are you up for a little row-mance?”

Sunday, February 14, 2016

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Friday, February 12, 2016

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Today I got in touch with my inner self….

That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

Monday, February 8, 2016

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

What did the chocolate bar do when it heard a good joke?

It snickered.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Friday, February 5, 2016

What do you call a chicken from outer space?

An egg-straterrestrial!

Thursday, February 4, 2016

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said, "Thank you."

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Today, I beat a black belt at karate.

My next opponent is a green sock.

Monday, February 1, 2016

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, no one steals my shoe.