Thursday, December 31, 2015

The accountants suggested to Nero that he close down the Colosseum. 

"We're not making a drachma," they told him. 

"The lions are eating-up all the prophets."

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
 
Moses didn’t take any animals on the ark. Noah did.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. 

I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

Monday, December 28, 2015

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Saturday, December 26, 2015

What kind of motorcycle does Santa drive?

A Holly Davidson.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

What happened to the man who stole the Advent calendar?

He got 25 days.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
 
A minnie van!

Monday, December 21, 2015

The teacher said, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A kid in the back throws a book out the window.

The teacher said, "Who just threw that?"

A boy replied, "Me and I’m going home now."

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Why did the chicken go to the gym?
 
To work on his pecks!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? 

Because he is a Supperhero.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E
 
Because he had a vowel movement.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I've just been diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Why did the mother forbid her child to read Ivanhoe?
 
She heard it was full of Saxon violence.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Who was the straightest man in the Bible? 
 
Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Are birth control pills deductible? 

Only if they don't work.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

What's the name of the beloved Christmas carol about summer sun screen?

O Tanning Balm.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Why is the Pittsburgh police force so large?
 
Because many people make iron and steal.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Then there was the one about the guy who went downriver on a dozen pieces of wood lashed together. 

The wood capsized when he hit some whitewater rapids, but he was rescued and lived happily ever rafter.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says,"I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." 

The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read the newspaper in the kitchen. The family dog, lying at the father's feet, heard the screeching violin and started to howl terribly. Soon the house was full of horrible violin music and even worse howling.

The father stayed silent for as long as he could stand it. Finally he threw his newspaper down on the floor, jumped to his feet, and yelled, "For heavens sake, couldn't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Monday, December 7, 2015

A penguin waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Saturday, December 5, 2015

When is a Chinese restaurant considered successful?

When it makes a fortune, cookie.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Thursday, December 3, 2015

There were these two soldiers in a tank.

One said to the other, "Blub, blub."

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient Greek times?
 
Dr Zeus.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup? 
 
Because one more bean would make it too-farty.