Sunday, July 31, 2016

An old man lies dying in 2070 surrounded by his family. 

Trying to extract some final wisdom from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks, "What's the part of your life that sticks out to you the most, Dad?" 

He responds, "I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem, in my mind, to be as clear and perfect as this moment now."

His son exclaims, "Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age, Pop."

"But of course," says his dad, "hindsight is 2020."

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.

Friday, July 29, 2016

What do you call an Australian that will only eat short-grain rice?

A rice-ist.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Joey was pretty scrawny, so he had to quit his job as a personal trainer.

He gave them his too weak notice.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

What do you call a depressed traffic jam?

Bummer to bummer traffic.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

If Spock has Vulcan ears, what does Scotty have?


Monday, July 25, 2016

Sunday, July 24, 2016

You matter until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

What happened to the potato farmer who crossed the mob?

He's sleeping with the knishes.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Then there was the one about the brake pedal who had to leave his job.

He had to stop when he got depressed.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Why did the leaders in the old Soviet Union hate riding in taxis?

The drivers were always stallin'.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Monday, July 18, 2016

My wife's pretty good at making an Earl Grey.

It's her special tea.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away. 

His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. 

He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.

She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

Monday, July 11, 2016

What do you call an educator who's under the influence?

A high school teacher.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”

Friday, July 8, 2016

Thursday, July 7, 2016

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I recently started a new job at the toy factory. 

There are only two of us that work on the production line for Dracula figures.

I have to make every second count.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

What was Beethoven's favorite city in England?


Monday, July 4, 2016

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12. 

On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.

Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?" 

His cautious father replied, I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Joey went to his podiatrist to have a bunion removed.

When the treatment ended, he asked if another appointment would be necessary.

They said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A small stream runs through my friend’s rural property.

His wife, an inveterate gardener, plants flowers along the stream, keeping its boarders clean and clear. 

That is because she loves to weed a good brook.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Why didn't the tick go to the prom?

He didn't have a tick-ette.