Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
Monday, March 28, 2011
"My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
Sunday, March 27, 2011
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited for a few minutes and then asked him again. “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house, and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have drink with me?”
A little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C.
The guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.
The lady asked, “What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?”
The guide answered, “No ma’am. At the beginning of every session he stands up, takes a long look at Congress, and then prays for the country!”
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
So, the servant did as the captain said.
After that the servant came up to the captain and said, "Why did you say bring me my red shirt?"
The captain said, "Well, if I get shot, they won't see the blood."
The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."
The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. “How are you, Grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?” asks the young man.
“Couldn’t be better.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”
“No problem at all,” says the grandfather. “Nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?” he asks. “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock, we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed.”
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"How do you know the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did what!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psst' and it didn't move."