Monday, November 30, 2015

What do you get when you cross a plumber with a psychiatrist?

I don't know, but it sounds like emotionally draining work.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

What's soft and cuddly and says, "Oink, oink"?

A teddy boar.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Why doesn't anybody talk to pi?

 He's irrational and he goes on forever!

Friday, November 27, 2015

What would you do if a store sold you rancid animal fat?
Sue it.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

How can you tell a male turkey from a female turkey?
The male is the one holding the remote control.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Why did Little Miss Muffet push Humpty Dumpty off the wall? 

He got in her whey!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

"Dad, what's for dinner?" 

"Wookiee steaks." 

"Are they good?" 

"Well, they are a little Chewy."

Monday, November 23, 2015

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Friday, November 20, 2015

Back in my hiking days, I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree.

"I've always wondered what's the difference between a raven and a crow," I said.

"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my companion explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If there are five, it's a raven."

"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue about which he spoke.

"Oh, yes," he replied. "It's just a matter of a pinion."

Thursday, November 19, 2015

What's the difference between a gymnast and a Public Works employee working in icy conditions?
One does somersaults. The other winter salts.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

What would Dorothy say if she played baseball in Oz? 

"There's no plate like home!"

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Saturday, November 14, 2015

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? 

Show me the honey!

Friday, November 13, 2015

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

 “Odor in the court!”

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Why did the chicken go to the 
To get to the other side.

Monday, November 9, 2015

What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
He turns over a new leaf.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Many years ago, a guy named Joe worked in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up. 

One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. 

He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were? 

They finally figured that it was only a miner miracle.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

My friend Mills was complaining that his burro, named Hotey, was so frail that a gentle breeze would make him lean over. 

I said, "I've already heard about a donkey Hotey tilting at wind, Mills."

Friday, November 6, 2015

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. 

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap."

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky, it could have been life boy!"

Thursday, November 5, 2015

An aquatic, seaweed-eating mammal named Hugh began swimming very close to a man's waterfront property. 

The man tried to get rid of the creature by clubbing it, but he was arrested. 

In court, the man's lawyer argued that assault against a marine mammal is not an offense. 

The judge disagreed, however, stating, "This is a crime against Hugh manatee."

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? 
Hailing taxis!

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

"Grandpa, how come part of your mustache is red?" 

"That's because I just had a bowl of tomato soup. It's not easy eating soup with a mustache, you know. In fact it's quite a strain."

Monday, November 2, 2015

A somewhat overweight woman walked out of a hypnotist's office with the man lying on the floor holding his head and with a black eye. 

The woman was heard muttering,   "The nerve! Telling me my eyelids are getting heavy."

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Although it's the all-time "blessed seller,” procuring a decent copy of "The Good Book" can be fairly expensive. 

That means it is not wholly buyable.