Friday, September 30, 2011

What's green, black, white, black, and green?

Two pickles fighting over an Oreo.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Dad," said Tyrone, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The teens's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's ok," replied the boy. "At least you could try."

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Did you hear the one about the two brooms who got married?

The bride broom and groom broom were walking their way down the aisle. The bride broom turns to the groom broom and says, "Honey--we are expecting a little whisk broom."

The groom broom replies: "How can that be? We haven't swept together yet."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What did the finger say to the thumb?

"I'm in glove with you."

Monday, September 26, 2011

The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.

As she stepped outside for a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. "How did you like my execution?" she asked.

The gardener without turning to look at her said, "I'm in favor of it."

Sunday, September 25, 2011

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"

Friday, September 23, 2011

Thursday, September 22, 2011

What's the best way to handle change?

Put it in the parking meter.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why was the boy covered in gift wrap?

His mom told him to "live in the present".

Monday, September 19, 2011

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Then there was the joke about the religious slob....

He gave up picking his belly-button for lint.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

He said, “Meet Patty.”

Friday, September 16, 2011

Thursday, September 15, 2011

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, "It depends on what's in it for me."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

There's a new birth control device for men.

It's a rock that you put in your shoe.

It makes you limp.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.

After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation. The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills. The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.

The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take, asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.

The doctor replied, "You aren't getting enough water."

Monday, September 12, 2011

A monk was traveling and came to a fork in the road.

He stopped, looked at it and decided to leave it there for someone else to ponder, someone who might need it, for his own spoon was quite sufficient.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression.

The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Two drunken men were driving home.

The first started screaming, "Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!"

Baaaaam! They hit the wall.

The next day in the hospital, the first man asked his friend, "You good for nothing, I'd been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you?"

Jim answered, "IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!"

Friday, September 9, 2011

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

What has leather, feathers, and rides a Harley?

A biker chick.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Do doctors still make housecalls?

Only if your house is really sick.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

Monday, September 5, 2011

Who was the first man in the Bible to break all ten commandments?


Sunday, September 4, 2011

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Saturday, September 3, 2011

A man was explaining to a friend how he managed to get home the previous night. "I was doing just fine until I turned into my driveway", he said.

"And then what happened?"

"Someone stepped on my hands!"

Friday, September 2, 2011

What did they call that herd of wild oxen that developed vertigo after migrating from Tibet to Kenya?

Afro Dizzy Yaks.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

What's green and fluffy and comes from Mars?

A Martian-mellow.