A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys,
full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man
decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids
are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me
a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around
every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a
bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer
and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so
I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going
to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts!
No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
A boy and his father were visiting the mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father, never
having seen an elevator, responded "Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch
the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his
gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked
her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple,"
replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on
the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used
that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he
confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well,
let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of
rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the
shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she
said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please;
would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I
can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they
sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories,
the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines –
strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very
long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really
feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
It was Benny’s third birthday party and he was having a lovely time.
Soon it was time to open his presents. One was from his grandma Freda
and in it he discovered a water pistol. He jumped up and down with
delight and then ran to the nearest sink to fill it up.
But his mother was not so pleased. She turned to Freda and said, “I’m
surprised at you, Mum. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy
with water pistols when we were young?”
Grandma Freda smiled and then replied, “I remember. Of course I remember.”
Derek, the painter, often would thin his
paint so it would go further. So when a local church decided to do some deferred
maintenance, Derek was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he
thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day, while he was up on the
scaffolding, the job almost finished, he heard a horrendous clap of thunder,
and the sky opened.
The ensuing downpour washed the thinned paint
off the church and knocked Derek off his scaffold onto the lawn among the
gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Derek knew this was a warning from the
Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should
And from the thunder, a mighty voice thundered,
“REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”