Saturday, December 31, 2016

What happens when you buy a bigger bed?

You have more bed room but less bedroom.

Friday, December 30, 2016

What did the butcher say when he found a group of people who'd been trapped in his meat locker all night?

Icy dead people.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Why is being a pirate is so popular?

Once you lose your hand, you're hooked!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Monday, December 26, 2016

So, I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in the kitchen. 

But the publisher refused, saying they could not publish illegal material. 

Stupid anti counter fitting laws.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Thursday, December 22, 2016

They walk down the aisle in their underwear and it's called "art" and "fashion".

When Joey does it, he's "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target".

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Monday, December 19, 2016

Why are people in Taiwan's capital so serious?

They all have Taipei personalities.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude-Olph.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

How do you make a chicken egg roll?

Put it on an inclined plane.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

What do you call a hairstyle that didn't use hairspray, and came out terribly?

 A no-can do.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

What kind of music do wind turbines like? 

They're big metal fans.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see after while and the other you'll see later.

Monday, December 12, 2016

These two shepherds are leaning on their staffs at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighs and shakes his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." 

The first replies, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Why are there always two EMTs in an ambulance?

Because they're a pair of medics.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Friday, December 9, 2016

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

"I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind."

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters?  

Because they're all not Zs.

Monday, December 5, 2016

What did the facial hair say when it ran away? 

Moustache.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Friday, December 2, 2016

What is it called if you prefer bowls over plates?

Dishcrimination.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

To whomever stole my thesaurus....

You made my day bad. 

I hope bad things happen to you. 

You're a bad person.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

What's the difference between a sock and a camera? 

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

So Joey is interested in Traditional Chinese Cooking. 

He's been talking about get the right equipment for years but has never gone through with it. 

He can talk the talk but can he wok the wok?

Monday, November 28, 2016

A sneeze walks in to a clothing shop.

The clerk says, "What are you looking for?"

The sneeze says, "A shoe."

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Friday, November 25, 2016

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Then there was the one about the food fight at the apiarists' tea party....

Several people went to the ER with facial burns. 

Truly, brewed tea was in the eyes of the bee-holders.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Monday, November 21, 2016

Did you know that Flash Gordon was the first environmentalist?
 
When Ming the merciless told Flash Gordon he was going to send a death ray to Earth, Flash Gordon was quick to respond, "That will definitely cause global war, Ming."

(Thanks to Jerry Breiling for this one)

Sunday, November 20, 2016

What kind of pasta is made from horses?

Spaghetti bowl o' neighs.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Joey just got back from a business trip to Alaska.

I asked him how the trip was. 

He said, "Oh, Juneau."

Friday, November 18, 2016

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Monday, November 14, 2016

"I only eat billiard balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." 

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."

Sunday, November 13, 2016

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. 

"They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey." 

"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

Thursday, November 10, 2016

And now, for a little bathroom humor....

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It fell into the crack.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Two drugs were in love.

One drug looks over at the other drug and says, "I love you babe. Marriage, you wanna?"

Monday, November 7, 2016

How do you get Mexican food at the beach?

Dig your feet into the sand, then you'll have buried toes.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

How did the owls get away with the heist in Machu Picchu?

They were Inca hoots.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

I told my wife a joke about women and "that time of the month".

She didn't laugh. 

She told me menstruation jokes are never funny. 

Period.

Friday, November 4, 2016

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Three spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!" 

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side. 

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind. 

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His two friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital. 

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears. 

"Well, I have good news and I have bad news," he said. 

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect?

Thyme management.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Pavlov is sitting in the bar.

A customer walks in and the bell over the front door rings.

"Shit!" says Pavlov. "I forgot to feed the dog!"

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Where is the bathroom for IT people located?

At the IP address.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Thursday, October 27, 2016

This farmer asks a scarecrow if he likes his job.

"Well," says the scarecrow, "this job isn't for everyone, but hey, it's in my genes."

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Our local brewery is trying to figure out who's been swimming in the vats of fermented apple juice.

They're fairly certain the culprit is an incider.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Measuring the speed of bugs is a great way to enhance any enjoyable experience.

If you don't believe me...

Time flies when you're having fun.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Why are trees useless at eating?

They're all bark and no bite.

Sunday, October 23, 2016


First question: "Describe yourself in 3 words."

Joey: "I'm not very good with numbers."


(Thanks, Trish)

Friday, October 21, 2016

What do you call an arrogant criminal running down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

What material makes the best breast implants?

Mammary foam.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

What happens if you go into labor in the ocean?

You have to have a sea section.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Why do ghosts shiver and moan? 

It's drafty under that sheet.
What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Why did body painting stop the senator from casting a vote?

He was ab staining.

Friday, October 14, 2016

How do tiny bakers spice it up in the bedroom?

Roll playing.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Why do the French have only one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

What is it called when a skeleton works for free?

Pro Bono.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?

Because the meat was Chewie.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

What do you call a surgeon who repairs dog organs?

An in-terrier designer.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Friday, October 7, 2016

What was the biggest island on earth before Greenland was discovered?

Greenland.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

What brand of coffee does an origami artist like the best?

Foldgers.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Why did the bug avoid the chair with the spider on it? 

It didn't want to get caught in the web of da seat.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

A man and his companion, traveling the desert, see a cluster of tents in the middle of nowhere.

The man decides to investigate and he discovers that it's a marketplace.

The first stall he comes to has glass bowls filled with custard and pieces of cake.

He nods to the stall holder and goes to the second stall. It, too, has bowls filled with custard and cake.

He then goes to the next stall and the next stall, and all they seem to have is these bowls with filled with custard and cake.

He finally shakes his head in disbelief and returns to his friend.

His friend says "So what was that?"

He replies "It was a trifle bizarre."

Monday, October 3, 2016

Sunday, October 2, 2016

What do you call a hen looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Why did the two punsters get a divorce?

I reckon syllable differences.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Thursday, September 29, 2016

How would one describe Chinese food that isn't great?

Tso, tso.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Saturday, September 24, 2016

What do you call an empty container of cheese wiz?

Cheese was.

Friday, September 23, 2016

What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes a load of trash to the landfill?

"To-the-dump, to-the-dump, to-the-dump-dump-dump..."

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Joey's aunt’s Zodiac star sign was Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died.…

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Did you know that if you drink the fluid from a Magic 8 Ball you can see the future?

It’s true. Joey's friend, Steve, did it, and said he was going to die, and then he did.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

What did the duck say when it found an avocado?

"Guac, guac."

Monday, September 19, 2016

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl.

It’s seven.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, dammit, breathe!

Saturday, September 17, 2016

After God had created 24 hours of alternating light and darkness, one of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.

He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

Monday, August 8, 2016

Joey once owned a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet.

Only for like 20 seconds though.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast.

Friday, August 5, 2016

A man got his house painted. 

When the painters were done they handed him the bill. 

He was surprised to find that the painters were not charging him for paint, just labor. 

He asked them, "You did a great job, why didn't you charge me for paint?"

The painter replies, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Joey went to the doctor today and told him he was having problems with his hearing.

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

Joey said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

What did Silver say to Gold at the Periodic Table reunion?

"A, U!"

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Why don't you ever see a pirate cry?

When they do, it's a private tear.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

An old man lies dying in 2070 surrounded by his family. 

Trying to extract some final wisdom from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks, "What's the part of your life that sticks out to you the most, Dad?" 

He responds, "I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem, in my mind, to be as clear and perfect as this moment now."

His son exclaims, "Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age, Pop."

"But of course," says his dad, "hindsight is 2020."

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.

Friday, July 29, 2016

What do you call an Australian that will only eat short-grain rice?

A rice-ist.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Joey was pretty scrawny, so he had to quit his job as a personal trainer.

He gave them his too weak notice.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

What do you call a depressed traffic jam?

Bummer to bummer traffic.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

If Spock has Vulcan ears, what does Scotty have?

Engineers.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Sunday, July 24, 2016

You matter until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

What happened to the potato farmer who crossed the mob?

He's sleeping with the knishes.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Then there was the one about the brake pedal who had to leave his job.

He had to stop when he got depressed.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Why did the leaders in the old Soviet Union hate riding in taxis?

The drivers were always stallin'.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Monday, July 18, 2016

My wife's pretty good at making an Earl Grey.

It's her special tea.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away. 

His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. 

He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.

She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

Monday, July 11, 2016

What do you call an educator who's under the influence?

A high school teacher.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”

Friday, July 8, 2016

Thursday, July 7, 2016

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I recently started a new job at the toy factory. 

There are only two of us that work on the production line for Dracula figures.

I have to make every second count.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

What was Beethoven's favorite city in England?

London-dun-dunnn.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12. 

On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.

Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?" 

His cautious father replied, I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Joey went to his podiatrist to have a bunion removed.

When the treatment ended, he asked if another appointment would be necessary.

They said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A small stream runs through my friend’s rural property.

His wife, an inveterate gardener, plants flowers along the stream, keeping its boarders clean and clear. 

That is because she loves to weed a good brook.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Why didn't the tick go to the prom?

He didn't have a tick-ette.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Where do psychologists like to eat?

Kentucky Freud Chicken.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I decided to grow a garden last year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out. 

It was thyme.

Monday, June 27, 2016

The mother who injected her eight year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

One day on the farm, a horse was listening to his favorite band, The Beatles, and loved their music so much that he decided he wanted to start his own band, and do a concert for all the animals on the farm.

Later that day he went out to the field and asked a cow if he would like to join the band that he was putting together. The cow agreed as he wanted to help out his friend.

The horse then went to find his friend the pig and asked him if he'd like to join the band as well. He agreed to do so on the terms that he got to play the guitar. The horse was fine by that.

Lastly, he went over to a flock of sheep, and asked if they could sing for his band. They agreed as long as they got to pick the song that they sang. The horse was fine by that.

They practiced all week long until the big day had arrived. The concert was minutes from starting and the band was getting ready to go on stage. Suddenly, when the band saw all the animals waiting to see them perform, they got stage fright and started to panic. The cow, the horse, and the flock of sheep fled from the concert hall.

The horse was devastated because he didn't get to perform in front of all the animals. Then a pig walked by and saw that the horse was upset. The pig looked at the horse and asked, "Why the long face?"

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Why didn't the Oreo didn't show up for class?

He was out playing cookie.

Friday, June 24, 2016

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

The first row of a country concert.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Why do beers cost so much on airplanes?

You're paying for the atmosphere.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Monday, June 20, 2016

Why did the dancer take the elevator?

Because he was Fred Astairs.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

What do you call a chubby renal system doctor that talks about the weather?

A meteurologist.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

What's the best advice you can give to a blood donor?

Be positive.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Joey's dad is obsessed with all types of bags. Where does he live?

Baghdad.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Why did the wizard's girlfriend have a lot of hickeys?

Because he's a neck romancer.

Friday, June 10, 2016

I told my wife about about a bee that I thought was dead but it was still walking.

It must have been a Zom-bee.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

What did the fog say to the mist?

Two's company, three's a cloud.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

What did the Andean mammal say when it was time to go on vacation?

Alpaca suitcase.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Monday, June 6, 2016

What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes?

A bit neurotic.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Why did the sycophant open an Indian restaurant?

He wanted to curry favor.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

If there’s a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?

Beauty… beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Thursday, June 2, 2016

What do you call the man who just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft, and Wonder Woman?

I call him a heroine dealer.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Monday, May 30, 2016

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Why didn't Sherlock Holmes want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was more ER tea.

Friday, May 27, 2016

What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

What's the least expensive pet to keep?

Birds - they're the cheepest.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Why was the bird optimistic?

Because it was a pelican, not a pelican't.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

What advice do you give to a rock that dating?

You need to be a little boulder.

Monday, May 23, 2016

What's the difference between an Mel Gibson movie and a pizza? 
 
Pizzas are good.


Sunday, May 22, 2016

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Friday, May 20, 2016

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?

Because they’re both cauldron.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Monday, May 16, 2016

Why was the scientist so interested in the fossilized mint plant? 

Because it was an ex-spearmint.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

What do you call a smell with a mind of its own?

Scent-ient.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Why aren't more people making educational board games?

It's just a trivial pursuit.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Did you hear about the kittens that took over the boat?

It was a Mewtiny!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

What do angry vegetarians do when they read an article about the benefits of eating meat?

They send lettuce to the editor.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

What's white and fluffy and swings through trees?

A meringue utang.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
 
A duck has a bill on its face, and George Washington has his face on a bill!

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Who can serve ice cream faster than a speeding bullet? 

Scooperman!

Friday, May 6, 2016

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Everybody dies and they all go to heaven. 

At the gate, God separates the men and women. 

He tells the men to go stand in one of the two lines that are created. 

"The men who are whipped by their mate" is the first line and stood 100 miles long with a line of men.

"The men who dominated their mate" stood with only one person in the line.

God got furious and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" 

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, "You're here a lot. Are you an alcoholic?" 

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, "I don't think I am." 

And "poof", he disappears. 

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am." 

But telling you that first, would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

What do you call someone who teaches you how to pass gas?

A tooter.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Why did the people call the man that was late a tiny ass?

Because he was a little behind.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.

The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay?" 

The vomiting chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."

Thursday, April 28, 2016

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
 
Short.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

Monday, April 25, 2016

Sunday, April 24, 2016

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out? 

He sang until he found the right key!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

What do you call two young dogs that work in a library? 

Hush puppies.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. 

That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he really likes.

Monday, April 18, 2016

In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

What did the light bulb say to its mother?
 
I wuv you watts and watts.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Three French legionnaires were crossing the desert.

One looked up and saw a mirage and said, "By Gar!"

The second looked up, saw the mirage, and said, "By Gar!"

The third looked up and said, "Gee, a two gar mirage."