Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Monday, May 30, 2016

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Why didn't Sherlock Holmes want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?

Because it was more ER tea.

Friday, May 27, 2016

What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

What's the least expensive pet to keep?

Birds - they're the cheepest.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Why was the bird optimistic?

Because it was a pelican, not a pelican't.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

What advice do you give to a rock that dating?

You need to be a little boulder.

Monday, May 23, 2016

What's the difference between an Mel Gibson movie and a pizza? 
Pizzas are good.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Friday, May 20, 2016

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?

Because they’re both cauldron.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Monday, May 16, 2016

Why was the scientist so interested in the fossilized mint plant? 

Because it was an ex-spearmint.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

What do you call a smell with a mind of its own?


Saturday, May 14, 2016

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Why aren't more people making educational board games?

It's just a trivial pursuit.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Did you hear about the kittens that took over the boat?

It was a Mewtiny!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

What do angry vegetarians do when they read an article about the benefits of eating meat?

They send lettuce to the editor.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

What's white and fluffy and swings through trees?

A meringue utang.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
A duck has a bill on its face, and George Washington has his face on a bill!

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Who can serve ice cream faster than a speeding bullet? 


Friday, May 6, 2016

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Everybody dies and they all go to heaven. 

At the gate, God separates the men and women. 

He tells the men to go stand in one of the two lines that are created. 

"The men who are whipped by their mate" is the first line and stood 100 miles long with a line of men.

"The men who dominated their mate" stood with only one person in the line.

God got furious and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" 

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, "You're here a lot. Are you an alcoholic?" 

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, "I don't think I am." 

And "poof", he disappears. 

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, "I think, therefore I am." 

But telling you that first, would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

What do you call someone who teaches you how to pass gas?

A tooter.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Sunday, May 1, 2016