Wednesday, November 30, 2016

What's the difference between a sock and a camera? 

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

So Joey is interested in Traditional Chinese Cooking. 

He's been talking about get the right equipment for years but has never gone through with it. 

He can talk the talk but can he wok the wok?

Monday, November 28, 2016

A sneeze walks in to a clothing shop.

The clerk says, "What are you looking for?"

The sneeze says, "A shoe."

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Friday, November 25, 2016

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Then there was the one about the food fight at the apiarists' tea party....

Several people went to the ER with facial burns. 

Truly, brewed tea was in the eyes of the bee-holders.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Monday, November 21, 2016

Did you know that Flash Gordon was the first environmentalist?
When Ming the merciless told Flash Gordon he was going to send a death ray to Earth, Flash Gordon was quick to respond, "That will definitely cause global war, Ming."

(Thanks to Jerry Breiling for this one)

Sunday, November 20, 2016

What kind of pasta is made from horses?

Spaghetti bowl o' neighs.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Joey just got back from a business trip to Alaska.

I asked him how the trip was. 

He said, "Oh, Juneau."

Friday, November 18, 2016

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Monday, November 14, 2016

"I only eat billiard balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." 

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."

Sunday, November 13, 2016

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. 

"They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey." 

"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

Thursday, November 10, 2016

And now, for a little bathroom humor....

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It fell into the crack.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Two drugs were in love.

One drug looks over at the other drug and says, "I love you babe. Marriage, you wanna?"

Monday, November 7, 2016

How do you get Mexican food at the beach?

Dig your feet into the sand, then you'll have buried toes.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

How did the owls get away with the heist in Machu Picchu?

They were Inca hoots.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

I told my wife a joke about women and "that time of the month".

She didn't laugh. 

She told me menstruation jokes are never funny. 


Friday, November 4, 2016

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Three spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!" 

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side. 

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind. 

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His two friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital. 

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears. 

"Well, I have good news and I have bad news," he said. 

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect?

Thyme management.