A boy had reached four years old without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb,
though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to
painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried
threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb,
your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day,
walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a
bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke
to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
There was this guy sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the man sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"
The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"
"Get out! I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."
"Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan dorm? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as I did, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same
college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?"
Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned
about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.
other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the
restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully,
and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.
"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by
his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said
to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Called to the scene of a magnificent celestial display, the professor
watched as a bright object dashed through the skies over New Mexico.
When he returned to his observatory, reporters asked him if what he had
seen was really a UFO.
Looking them straight in the eye, the impassive scientist replied, “No comet.”
There was this guy driving a pickup truck down a country road, when
suddenly he was broadsided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and
the case finally got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How
can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the
accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the
road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of
nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a
trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they
was mostly dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was
hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said,
'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"