only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began
his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An
ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the
monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then
the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a
drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls
it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful
effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed
them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization
of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms
doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
A monkey managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass
under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in
his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a
hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight. Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he
called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They
tasted so good. "What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked. "Well,"
one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in
it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent
the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that tree
there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well." The
papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely
full. "It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them. "So are you
going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a
great time but I can't." The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit
surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend
replied. "But I have to get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
A family of high-class potatoes was able to send their daughter to
college. A few months later, however, she came home and announced that
she was quitting college to get married. Very upset, the parents
demanded to know who the man was.
When the girl told them she was in love with a famous newscaster, Dan
Spud, the mother exclaimed: “Good heavens, girl! After all we've done
for you, how could you marry a common tater?”
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
At the end of his first day on the job, his boss fronted up and asked, "How
many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"100,000 dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a
small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need
a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty
foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold
him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife
and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
A gentleman was wandering around the campus of a college looking for the library.
He approached a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good
enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry,
sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your
pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to
tell me where the library is at, asshole?"